The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part 7: Consequences? What's that?

Ah yes. Chapter 15. The almost inappropriately named “Consequences” arc. What is so special about this particular arc, you may ask? Well, if you have been paying attention at all to this comic, you will notice that Anne Onymous has made a few slipups, if you will. I mean, it’s not Anne’s fault that two people have been stuck in each other’s bodies for months, an ordinary cashier clerk has been permanently transfigured into a centaur, four popular and well known male school athletes have been permanently transfigured into female cheerleaders, and a white male math teacher has been permanently transfigured into a teenage female japanophile stereotype, right? Apparently not, because we’re looking into the “consequences” of Anne’s little misuse of her reality bending powers.

Oh, but don’t think for a second that Anne is going to get any punishment for her actions. Despite the ominous background and menacing faces on the cover page, everything works out in the end. Turns out that everybody is happy with the forced changes made to their lives. Yes indeedy, Anne Onymous is a perfect pure saint who manages to make everyone happy through her blind idiotic use of magic. Even if someone’s life gets screwed over completely, it will all work out in the long run! Yep, everything’s all right in the world of Tandy Gardens. Except for the EVIL OMINOUS Lord Xaos lurking in the background, muttering “Just as Planned!” OH NOES! HOW WILL ANNE GET OUTTA THIZ WON, GUIZE?!

Yes, I’m very bitter about my experience reading this comic. And this chapter is probably one of the root causes of my bitterness. It is true that consequences are not exclusively bad, you see. Sometimes there are good consequences for actions. But there are no bad consequences in this comic. None at all. Especially for Anne Onymous. As for my use of the phrase “permanently transfigured”…Take one good, long look at this comic and tell me why the writers would keep these characters permanently transfigured. Okay, enough mental preparation, folks. Let’s dive in.

We start off with Anne finding out how her friends received mental scarring due to the events of the previous arc. And then she mutters to herself about “how glad she doesn’t have to deal with consequences like that.” Hah hah hah, very funny. Your mastery of dramatic irony is truly a sight to behold...We then cut to Ivan’s club, where it shows that apparently Ivan isn’t a complete dumbass, because he’s noticed that those four cheerleaders with the same names as those four guys that disappeared weren’t always there, despite the records from the school claiming that they were. Then Mingmei gets mentally traumatized by recovering his/her memories of when Anne screwed with his/her life. Which causes the body swapped duo to remember that Anne screwed with their lives too. And then Anne learns that an innocent bystander has had her life screwed up by Anne’s magic. Now this is interesting, isn’t it? Seeing how innocent bystanders are affected by Anne’s antics? Making the readers consider how people would react to the life changing experiences that are forced upon them? Making us wonder if these antics are still funny despite how painful it is for the victims?

But any philosophical discussion gets thrown straight out the window when this bitch shows up. For those of you who actually gave a crap about the story, you might recall that this mysterious cloaked figure is the person who gave Anne her powers in the first place. And what purpose does she provide to the story? She’s the Deus Ex Machina. You’ve been permanently turned into a centaur? She casts an illusion over you so nobody knows the difference! Have your personality completely submerged? She casts a spell so that no one knows the difference! Such a good copout, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t a hint anywhere in the story at all that would indicate an outside force is fixing all of Anne’s messes, right? Oh wait. There weren’t any hints in the story at all. I mean, for all we knew, Tzeentch could have been screwing with these guys for the lulz or something. Oh, and don’t think this is the last you see of Mysterious Cloaked Figure. She’s now an important character. Damnit…

Anyway, the drama comes to a head as we see that Ming Mei Wu, the body switched couple, and Ivan are all after Anne for some answers, while Anne is trying to fix the mess that she made when she turned those jocks into cheerleaders. After ducking Ivan, Anne rips out her “Feminine Pride” (I still don’t know what the hell that word means) and proceeds to argue with herself about whether or not it was morally right to change those jocks. Short answer: No, but nobody gives a rat’s cootie. Also, despite being given a chance to become a man again, Ming Mei decides that life is so much better as a teenage girl. Anne fixes a month long problem within seconds. And nobody gives a crap what happened to those jocks turned into cheerleaders because everyone is now so much happier with their lives. And Anne, after some teen angst, finds that the Mysterious Cloaked Figure is none other than…the previous Wotch! Holy crap! What a twist!

Right. You probably are wondering what makes this particular arc one of the worst points in the series. Well, the thing is…this arc gives you the impression that Anne is going to be dealing with the repercussions of her mistakes. I mean we have all these different victims gathering together trying to talk to Anne, while she tries to find out what happened. We ourselves might have wondered whether Anne’s antics will bite her in the ass one day. All this while the comic hypes you up with its dark title screen with Anne being surrounded by all her victims as though she was being interrogated. I mean, it’s called “Consequences”, right? It’s telling you right on the cover that this arc deals with the negative consequences of Anne’s mistakes!

But no. This comic doesn’t deal with negative consequences. It barely even acknowledges them. Everything just “happens” to turn out completely fine. Everybody just “happens” to like his or her new form. There just “happens” to be someone with magic powers to bail Anne out. And Anne just “happens” to have the luck of the entire goddamn nation of Ireland, because nobody is even angry in the slightest about her screwups. Do you see the problem now? No? Let me clarify it then. The author mollycoddles Anne Onymous far too much, and that is a BAD thing! I cannot possibly stress that enough. Anne is goddamn lucky to the point where it looks like the universe revolves around her! It’s like she’s a Mary Sue, and the authors are too chicken to admit it!

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at a few examples. Out of nowhere, some bitch that happens to have a special connection to Anne is all too ready to bail her out. Was this hinted at in the story at any point? NO! When did we last see her? All the way back in Chapter 1! Nowhere in the story did I see any sign of this person affecting anything at all. Everything came after the fact. It’s like the writers pulled this out of their ass when they couldn’t figure out how to fix the mess they made. “Oh crap, I’ve backed myself into a goddamn corner with this ‘Consequences’ stuff. How the hell is Anne Onymous ever gonna fix this mess? Wait! Maybe Anne doesn’t have to! I’ll just say that she has…a mentor or something! Now what to name her? Oh who cares! I’ll just use a name generator! Hah Hah Hah, I am a genius, LOL!”

Then there’s how this comic deals with the issue of the cheerleaders. Do you know how Anne finds out about how she screwed over those jocks? Robin tells her months afterwards. Why didn’t he tell her before? Because he forgot. That’s right. He forgets that a personification of Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed four well-known jocks into cheerleaders. How do you forget something like that?! Naturally, Anne wants to fix this. But everybody prefers these girls to the jocks, so that totally justifies the permanent alteration. Since everybody is happy, there is no problem! But wait; didn’t Anne’s spell change their personalities as well? So therefore, the cheerleaders that everybody prefers could possibly be mere fabrications? So would it not be best to at least restore the minds of these jocks as an apology for any pain and suffering she might have unintentionally caused them? No, because apparently these cheerleaders do the exact same activities as the jocks did, but they are friendlier and happier and sexier as girls. And more popular. And more sexy. And more outgoing. And smarter. And did I mention sexier? I think it might have slipped my mind despite all the “subtle hints” this comic gave me!

OK, time out. I can’t grasp their logic here. I still don’t get why it is acceptable to have someone’s personality altered because you didn’t like the way they acted before. I know that the people that aren’t the victims might personally feel happier this way, but that isn’t a moral correct decision. That is just selfish. I mean, what do people have against these jocks? The comic tells us they were bullies but we only know about the bullying because the comic might occasionally deign to mention it to us. Besides, what if there was someone that actually liked these guys? What about their opinions? Do they get any representation in the matter? No. The comic says that everybody hates them, and that’s it. Also, the part where they mention that these jocks are able to do things as girls that they couldn’t as guys makes no sense at all. Think about it. This comic implies that these cheerleaders had the same hobbies, beliefs, friends, interests, and dislikes as when they were jocks. Essentially, there is no difference except that the jocks are girls now. But because of this one difference, their lives are a thousand times better and they are happier and feel less societal pressure because they’re girls. Are you kidding me? That is mind-bogglingly stupid! How do these jocks feel less societal pressure as females? What about weight disorders, or sexuality, or social issues, or even physical development? Add in the basic problems such as money woes and education and relationship troubles and you’ve got the setup for a lot of angst in the average teenage female. So I don’t get what this comic is saying with this whole “Now I can express myself in ways I couldn’t as a boy, but still do male activities with no problems whatsoever” bit. Because anyone that has lived in America with half a brain knows that it is definitely untrue. I mean, I could say that this comic is implying that society forces men to act in a certain manner and that women have no such restrictions, and thus the writers actually have a big case of vagina envy. Frankly, I just think that that these idiots couldn’t come up with any logical reasons why these jocks would want to stay as girls, so they made up these Freudian-esque excuses so that people could go back to fantasizing to these girls/guys in peace. Too bad I didn’t fall for it, though. I see through your stupid plans, you talentless hacks.

But what I really hated about this arc was how they dealt with Ming Mei’s problem. When given the option to go back to being a man, Professor Sorgaz declines. Why? Because he was lonely. Yeah. He wants to be a teenage girl because he found his old life boring and friendless. Well boo freaking hoo. If you hated being lonely so much, why didn’t you go to a bar or join an online chat room or something? Whiny little she-male emo. But that’s not the worst part of this page. What really brings my blood to a boil is how lazy the creators got. Did these guys ever hear of the concept “show, don’t tell”? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to show Sorgaz being alone and friendless, instead of him telling the readers that he was alone? Couldn’t they give us a flashback that shows the reasons that made him decide to stay a girl? But they don’t! They mention his entire reason for staying female in one panel and never bring it up again! And the part with Ming Mei and Sorgaz being distinct personalities could have been interesting. When did this split develop? Why couldn’t they have put a little more time and effort into that aspect? They could have elaborated on this part to let the readers try and think for once. Like if Ming Mei’s personality was merely the result of a spell or was an actual identity built up from her experiences. But they don’t! It’s used for one page and never mentioned again! And most importantly, they devote one page to a character choosing one of the most important decisions of his/her life. That’s it. One page. Seriously? After all the hype with the flashback and the identity crisis and the fainting, the issue is completely resolved in one page? This is ridiculous! Most identity issues can take months or even years to figure out! Even in fiction land identity issues are never resolved at such a fast pace. It was just such a goddamn waste.

The most ironic thing about this comic arc is that every major character seems to be opposed to any major change whatsoever. Except Anne Onymous. Yes, the gormless twit who has been casually screwing up people’s lives on a daily basis is the only one with any brains or morals in this entire arc. Seriously. Despite hearing everything this comic can to convince her that nothing she did has repercussions, Anne still thinks she screwed up. Even when she learns that against all odds that everybody is happy with the forced changes, Anne decides to stop using magic so she doesn’t screw up again. It’s almost as if this comic is going out of its way to deify Anne and she is doing everything she can to bring reality into it. But considering this is The Wotch, Anne doesn’t realize that reality has no pertinence to this webcomic at all, so she is doomed from the start.

If I had to take a stab at what was the point of this exercise in futility, I would say this arc was supposed to be “character development”. I think it was supposed to help flesh out the personalities of the characters. But it actually had the opposite effect. The cheerleaders have had absolutely no changes whatsoever. The body-swapped couple has lost their only gimmick. And Ming Mei Wu went from being a walking Asian stereotype to someone with absolutely no personality at all. Wait, maybe that is an improvement… This arc still failed regardless. And if you haven’t decided to quit yet, then let’s go further into the madness. And yes, this comic can get stupider. Somehow.

The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part Four: Death of Logic and Compassion

Ah yes. Chapter Four of The Wotch. It is the chapter that will either break or make this series for you. This chapter is in many ways the distillation of the most terrible qualities in this comic. The unoriginal storyline that somehow gets mangled even further by creepy undertones. Poorly done artwork made even worse by blatant fanservice. And disturbing themes that make me rage and blanch at the idea that this is supposed to be fun and innocent. This chapter’s analysis will be very wordy. But that is to ensure you can understand how much of a soul-rendering tar pit this chapter is.

Chapter Four starts out with Anne making the “hilarious” mistake of scheduling too many things at once. If you look closely, you notice that the backgrounds are all actually filled in from Photoshop. At least the first three chapters tried to have backgrounds in them. Great. I’ve already found a flaw in this masterpiece, and it isn’t even the second page. And then they give away the plot of this comic on page two. Oh gods, I am going to go insane re-reading this again…

For those who can’t be arsed to look at the comic itself here’s the overview: Anne tries to clone herself, but said clones all reflect a certain aspect of her personality. So if you actually know anything about how magic works in fiction land, things do not go as planned. In fact, they reveal aspects of Anne’s mind that I really wish were kept bottled up in there. Like Anne’s “Feminine Pride”, for instance. Here, Anne’s “Affection” (seems more like Lust to me) insists on getting Robin a glass of water. Then when “Feminine Pride” enters the room, Robin quite logically asks if his friend actually got the water like she said she would. You would think she would ask something logical like “What are you talking about?” or “No. Why should I get you a glass of water?”. Instead, “Feminine Pride” decides to bitch at him for even considering asking in the first place, then goosesteps off muttering “men…” under her breath.

OK, I have a question for the writers of the writers of this comic. What the hell is “Feminine Pride” supposed to be? That is not a word I’ve ever heard or seen used in any context other than this webcomic in my entire life. Is it supposed to represent intrinsic pride in being female? Is it Anne’s pride with a different title? Is it sort of word made up by feminists that I never heard of? Webster’s dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Wikipedia doesn’t have a definition. OneLook Dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Seriously, WHAT THE CRAP DOES IT MEAN?! Gods, this is ridiculous…This personification makes a bunch of major changes to the status quo, and I don’t even have a coherent idea of what this idea is supposed to be. Oh well, I’ll just have to guess based on the dialogue alone. Hmmm…Well, the root words “Feminine” and “pride” seems to indicate that it personifies her prideful aspects and her feminine aspects. If we combine that with the use of the phrases “just because I’m a girl” and “men…” and her continuously constipated expression…Oh wait, I just got it! She’s the personification of Anne’s idea of feminists! …God dammit comic! What the hell is wrong with you?!

OK, let’s just move on. OK, then Anne’s personification of anger goes gonzo and then she… turns a middle aged white man into an teenage Asian girl wearing a Japanese schoolgirl uniform who can’t speak grammatically correct English…Wait, what? How could you think…this was good? HOW?! What possessed you to create this Japanophile’s wet dream into a character?! I mean…Mingmei Wu is the most stereotypical Chinese name I’ve ever seen! And she’s wearing a Japanese school uniform! Those don’t freaking mix! That’s like sticking a sombrero and pancho on someone from Spain and saying that’s good enough! And why the hell did Anne learn that spell in the first place? Why did Anne’s anger turn her teacher into a cosplay whore? Turning people into newts isn’t good enough? You had to go the extra mile and offend the intelligence of the readers as well? This comic just lost a huge amount of its credibility with me. If they can’t be arsed to figure out where to draw the line, then I can’t take them seriously anymore.

So after that sickening display of sadism, we find out that Anne’s spell is making other personifications of her personality appear, and it is negatively affecting her. So her friends have to find those personifications who essentially go on a rampage across town. This is all fine and dandy, except for the reemergence of “Feminine Pride”, who proceeds to turn four male jocks into female cheerleaders.

Let me clarify. The personification of a teenage female witch’s idea of “feminine pride” turns four teenage male football athletes into female cheerleaders, with stereotypical valley-girl personalities mind you, for no adequately explained reason within the comic itself whatsoever. And Robin, one of the protagonists of this comic mind you, seems to have absolutely no problem with this setup whatsoever.

I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just can’t accept this. As a man with a deep belief in the inherent good nature of all humankind (a belief that seems to get smaller and smaller by the minute), I cannot accept that this is a justifiable action. I cannot accept this flagrant misuse of reality warping superpowers is in any way heroic or even acceptable as a form of vigilante justice. This is wrong. This page, and by extension this comic, is just wrong on almost every conceivable level. I have been trying for hours to come up with a perfect metaphor for my feelings about this one singular page. I’ve got nothing.

Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this page it is almost laughable. First of all…what was the point of that? Seriously, what did it contribute to the story in terms of plot? Nothing! I mean, as horrible as this page was, it had a point. It established the villain of the story. It had a clear antagonist and a clear victim. It was necessary to drive the action. This page? They could have left it out entirely. It had no overall impact on the storyline whatsoever.

Secondly…why did “Feminine Pride” find it necessary to intervene? Or even do anything to those jocks? I suppose you could answer that they were threatening physical harm, but is that a proper justification for involving yourself in matters that don’t even relate to you? Besides, the girl was a wrestler! She has the capability to protect herself, and if she wanted help she could have called for it. Besides, they were in an open lot…I’m assuming. I can’t really tell if these characters are even still on Planet Earth due to the non-existent backgrounds. What was to stop the jocks’ teammates or even their coach or security from stopping them from threatening physical harm? Hell, they might not have even been threatening to beat her up in the first place! We’ll never know, because “Feminine Pride” decided to attack the bullies on her own idiotic whims.

Thirdly…why did she have to turn the jocks into girls? She is a witch! She can do anything! She could have turned them into newts! She could have teleported them onto the roof of their school! She could have conjured up an illusion of a tarrasque to scare them off! She could have frozen them in place! She could have even suspended them in midair and made them apologize for their actions! Of all the options that being a magical user give you, why does Anne only use things that alter physical appearances? Out of all the spells she has done, what have we seen besides physical changes? Prestidigitation and summoning. The writers couldn’t have tried something creative using only those spells? I mean, heaven forbid that Anne use the power to alter the flow of gravity or conjure any being from a different plane of reality to this one, no siree bob! She’s gotta pander to the base of horny basement-living geeks who fap to poorly drawn pictures of people who supposedly changed from males into females by using the same goddamn spells over and over again!

Fourthly…how is turning these jocks into girls a heroic or even commendable action? Seriously, how is turning these four jocks into cheerleaders a justifiable action? I mean, Anne’s “Feminine Pride” did tell them to “face the consequences”, but is this really a proportionate response? Are they saying that it is okay to threaten bullies with harm on the basis that you believe yourself to be heroic and that you have the power to do so? Or are they implying that it is okay because these are jocks? That this action is okay because these guys act overly macho and sexist and are not well liked? So, this comic is telling us that it is okay for bad things to happen to certain people because they act in a manner that we don’t like? Wow, what a great moral for the children. I know that the writers of the Wotch were probably too foolish to intend for this to be the message, but if this is what your readers see then your writing needs work really badly.

Fifthly…why did Anne’s “Feminine Pride” alter the jocks’ personalities? Seriously, look closely at the dialogue of those jocks on the page at the beginning compared to the end. They talk like they are valley girls, and their body language is completely different. It is obvious that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed their mindsets, but what was the purpose? If we can somehow accept that turning the jocks’ bodies was a form of punishment, then why did she have to alter their memories as well? Don’t believe me? Here. 11 chapters after the event, they confirm that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” screwed with their minds and personalities because she didn’t like them. Wow. That is sadistic. I mean, even if this could have been some sort of punishment, it is completely ineffectual because she wiped out the victims’ knowledge of why they are being punished. Punishment is supposed to be deterrence, to make the victims aware that certain actions are considered unacceptable, so that the victims will try to avoid them in the future. How effective is it to punish somebody for something they have no knowledge of? It isn’t!

Finally…why did nobody say a goddamn thing about the alteration?! I mean, maybe I could potentially understand why Robin is unfazed about the sudden change, but why didn’t that girl wrestler say anything? If four people were suddenly altered into different forms with no rhyme or reason, what would you do? Scream? Be confused? Ask the strangely familiar looking witch what did she just do to those jocks? Not in this comic. I was under the impression there was a form of logic behind this comic, but it is increasingly apparently there is not. And why didn’t Robin say a goddamn thing? One chapter ago, he was the wuss who started whining about Anne doing magic in public. Why didn’t he say a thing here? Is he too lazy to try and convince Anne’s “Feminine Pride” to fix the mess she created? Does he also have the mindset that what happened is fine because he didn’t like those jocks? What kind of heroes are these?! They are selfish idiots who don’t give a damn about consequences! What sort of “family friendly” comic is this?!

I haven’t even gotten to the other aspects of this regurgitated vomit called a page. There is no background to give us a frame of mind for where this is supposed to take place! The humans are constantly changing shape and size! Their mouths either disappear entirely or are placed inappropriately on their cheeks! Their noses look ridiculous! The writing is horrifically cramped, despite being 12 panels long! This page is terrible in every aspect, especially the writing! Do you see what is wrong with this page?! It is vile! It is disgusting! It is repugnant! It is disturbing! It is creepy! It is one of the worst pages in comic history! This isn’t a comic! This page is an unenjoyable waste of space that only serves to drag the rest of this mess down! OK, I’m so angry that every other insult ever made just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need to make up a new insult....I’ve got it! In summary, it’s anti-comic! It is the total opposite of entertainment! It should be buried and forgotten with all the other cultural flotsam of the internet, and we should never need speak its name again!

Great. All that writing, and I’m not even halfway done with this chapter. Oh, by the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, at this rate I am going to lose my mind. Let’s…try to get skim the rest to get it over with. After that…page-we-will-never-speak-of-again, we cut to Anne’s anger personified sulking in the gym, having reasoned that turning her teacher into a wapanese stereotype isn’t going to be well received by her peers. She is then visited by the main villain’s right-hand man Kohain Ravime, who…OK, I’m sorry, this name is too cliched for me. I gotta think of a new name for this dork. So, The Penguin offers Anne’s anger the ability to be permanently free from the rest of Anne if Anne’s anger kills her original. A bunch of talking, a bunch of walking and… oh you have to be kidding me. They ripped off Vampire Willow’s outfit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Are they even trying anymore? OK, long story short, Anne’s Anger gets the shit beaten out of her in an unepic battle, everything goes back to relatively normal, and Darth Vader tells Emperor Palpatine some bullcrap about tests or something and walks off into some voidless puke/blue space muttering vague plans that foreshadow the next arc. Oh, and the teacher and the jocks are stuck the way they are. For, as far as we know, the rest of their lives. Isn’t that nice? Everybody gets a happy ending except for the victims of Anne’s mess. But that’s okay because none of the victims remember. So, there are absolutely no long-term consequences whatsoever. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Stories about Anne screwing up, with her doing everything she can to not be found out, while events play out so that the status quo is maintained to have more stories about Anne’s screwups not being found out?

…OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS! This chapter sucked! The art was bland and terrible! The plot was clichéd from start to finish, and the writing only made it worse! Not to mention it contained two of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in a PG-13 comic ever made! This was one of the lowest points in this entire webcomic, and I can’t even pretend it didn’t exist because it forms the basis of the second lowest point in this terrible webcomic! You know, any sane and intelligent reviewer would probably have stopped right here and now. They would have seen that this comic has nothing more to offer them other than pain and mental scarring. Well I must be an idiot, because the next part is a summary of every other chapter in the first “season”, with a review. Hint of warning; it's not going to get any less messed up from this point on. Don't say I didn't warn you...