The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part 7: Consequences? What's that?

Ah yes. Chapter 15. The almost inappropriately named “Consequences” arc. What is so special about this particular arc, you may ask? Well, if you have been paying attention at all to this comic, you will notice that Anne Onymous has made a few slipups, if you will. I mean, it’s not Anne’s fault that two people have been stuck in each other’s bodies for months, an ordinary cashier clerk has been permanently transfigured into a centaur, four popular and well known male school athletes have been permanently transfigured into female cheerleaders, and a white male math teacher has been permanently transfigured into a teenage female japanophile stereotype, right? Apparently not, because we’re looking into the “consequences” of Anne’s little misuse of her reality bending powers.

Oh, but don’t think for a second that Anne is going to get any punishment for her actions. Despite the ominous background and menacing faces on the cover page, everything works out in the end. Turns out that everybody is happy with the forced changes made to their lives. Yes indeedy, Anne Onymous is a perfect pure saint who manages to make everyone happy through her blind idiotic use of magic. Even if someone’s life gets screwed over completely, it will all work out in the long run! Yep, everything’s all right in the world of Tandy Gardens. Except for the EVIL OMINOUS Lord Xaos lurking in the background, muttering “Just as Planned!” OH NOES! HOW WILL ANNE GET OUTTA THIZ WON, GUIZE?!

Yes, I’m very bitter about my experience reading this comic. And this chapter is probably one of the root causes of my bitterness. It is true that consequences are not exclusively bad, you see. Sometimes there are good consequences for actions. But there are no bad consequences in this comic. None at all. Especially for Anne Onymous. As for my use of the phrase “permanently transfigured”…Take one good, long look at this comic and tell me why the writers would keep these characters permanently transfigured. Okay, enough mental preparation, folks. Let’s dive in.

We start off with Anne finding out how her friends received mental scarring due to the events of the previous arc. And then she mutters to herself about “how glad she doesn’t have to deal with consequences like that.” Hah hah hah, very funny. Your mastery of dramatic irony is truly a sight to behold...We then cut to Ivan’s club, where it shows that apparently Ivan isn’t a complete dumbass, because he’s noticed that those four cheerleaders with the same names as those four guys that disappeared weren’t always there, despite the records from the school claiming that they were. Then Mingmei gets mentally traumatized by recovering his/her memories of when Anne screwed with his/her life. Which causes the body swapped duo to remember that Anne screwed with their lives too. And then Anne learns that an innocent bystander has had her life screwed up by Anne’s magic. Now this is interesting, isn’t it? Seeing how innocent bystanders are affected by Anne’s antics? Making the readers consider how people would react to the life changing experiences that are forced upon them? Making us wonder if these antics are still funny despite how painful it is for the victims?

But any philosophical discussion gets thrown straight out the window when this bitch shows up. For those of you who actually gave a crap about the story, you might recall that this mysterious cloaked figure is the person who gave Anne her powers in the first place. And what purpose does she provide to the story? She’s the Deus Ex Machina. You’ve been permanently turned into a centaur? She casts an illusion over you so nobody knows the difference! Have your personality completely submerged? She casts a spell so that no one knows the difference! Such a good copout, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t a hint anywhere in the story at all that would indicate an outside force is fixing all of Anne’s messes, right? Oh wait. There weren’t any hints in the story at all. I mean, for all we knew, Tzeentch could have been screwing with these guys for the lulz or something. Oh, and don’t think this is the last you see of Mysterious Cloaked Figure. She’s now an important character. Damnit…

Anyway, the drama comes to a head as we see that Ming Mei Wu, the body switched couple, and Ivan are all after Anne for some answers, while Anne is trying to fix the mess that she made when she turned those jocks into cheerleaders. After ducking Ivan, Anne rips out her “Feminine Pride” (I still don’t know what the hell that word means) and proceeds to argue with herself about whether or not it was morally right to change those jocks. Short answer: No, but nobody gives a rat’s cootie. Also, despite being given a chance to become a man again, Ming Mei decides that life is so much better as a teenage girl. Anne fixes a month long problem within seconds. And nobody gives a crap what happened to those jocks turned into cheerleaders because everyone is now so much happier with their lives. And Anne, after some teen angst, finds that the Mysterious Cloaked Figure is none other than…the previous Wotch! Holy crap! What a twist!

Right. You probably are wondering what makes this particular arc one of the worst points in the series. Well, the thing is…this arc gives you the impression that Anne is going to be dealing with the repercussions of her mistakes. I mean we have all these different victims gathering together trying to talk to Anne, while she tries to find out what happened. We ourselves might have wondered whether Anne’s antics will bite her in the ass one day. All this while the comic hypes you up with its dark title screen with Anne being surrounded by all her victims as though she was being interrogated. I mean, it’s called “Consequences”, right? It’s telling you right on the cover that this arc deals with the negative consequences of Anne’s mistakes!

But no. This comic doesn’t deal with negative consequences. It barely even acknowledges them. Everything just “happens” to turn out completely fine. Everybody just “happens” to like his or her new form. There just “happens” to be someone with magic powers to bail Anne out. And Anne just “happens” to have the luck of the entire goddamn nation of Ireland, because nobody is even angry in the slightest about her screwups. Do you see the problem now? No? Let me clarify it then. The author mollycoddles Anne Onymous far too much, and that is a BAD thing! I cannot possibly stress that enough. Anne is goddamn lucky to the point where it looks like the universe revolves around her! It’s like she’s a Mary Sue, and the authors are too chicken to admit it!

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at a few examples. Out of nowhere, some bitch that happens to have a special connection to Anne is all too ready to bail her out. Was this hinted at in the story at any point? NO! When did we last see her? All the way back in Chapter 1! Nowhere in the story did I see any sign of this person affecting anything at all. Everything came after the fact. It’s like the writers pulled this out of their ass when they couldn’t figure out how to fix the mess they made. “Oh crap, I’ve backed myself into a goddamn corner with this ‘Consequences’ stuff. How the hell is Anne Onymous ever gonna fix this mess? Wait! Maybe Anne doesn’t have to! I’ll just say that she has…a mentor or something! Now what to name her? Oh who cares! I’ll just use a name generator! Hah Hah Hah, I am a genius, LOL!”

Then there’s how this comic deals with the issue of the cheerleaders. Do you know how Anne finds out about how she screwed over those jocks? Robin tells her months afterwards. Why didn’t he tell her before? Because he forgot. That’s right. He forgets that a personification of Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed four well-known jocks into cheerleaders. How do you forget something like that?! Naturally, Anne wants to fix this. But everybody prefers these girls to the jocks, so that totally justifies the permanent alteration. Since everybody is happy, there is no problem! But wait; didn’t Anne’s spell change their personalities as well? So therefore, the cheerleaders that everybody prefers could possibly be mere fabrications? So would it not be best to at least restore the minds of these jocks as an apology for any pain and suffering she might have unintentionally caused them? No, because apparently these cheerleaders do the exact same activities as the jocks did, but they are friendlier and happier and sexier as girls. And more popular. And more sexy. And more outgoing. And smarter. And did I mention sexier? I think it might have slipped my mind despite all the “subtle hints” this comic gave me!

OK, time out. I can’t grasp their logic here. I still don’t get why it is acceptable to have someone’s personality altered because you didn’t like the way they acted before. I know that the people that aren’t the victims might personally feel happier this way, but that isn’t a moral correct decision. That is just selfish. I mean, what do people have against these jocks? The comic tells us they were bullies but we only know about the bullying because the comic might occasionally deign to mention it to us. Besides, what if there was someone that actually liked these guys? What about their opinions? Do they get any representation in the matter? No. The comic says that everybody hates them, and that’s it. Also, the part where they mention that these jocks are able to do things as girls that they couldn’t as guys makes no sense at all. Think about it. This comic implies that these cheerleaders had the same hobbies, beliefs, friends, interests, and dislikes as when they were jocks. Essentially, there is no difference except that the jocks are girls now. But because of this one difference, their lives are a thousand times better and they are happier and feel less societal pressure because they’re girls. Are you kidding me? That is mind-bogglingly stupid! How do these jocks feel less societal pressure as females? What about weight disorders, or sexuality, or social issues, or even physical development? Add in the basic problems such as money woes and education and relationship troubles and you’ve got the setup for a lot of angst in the average teenage female. So I don’t get what this comic is saying with this whole “Now I can express myself in ways I couldn’t as a boy, but still do male activities with no problems whatsoever” bit. Because anyone that has lived in America with half a brain knows that it is definitely untrue. I mean, I could say that this comic is implying that society forces men to act in a certain manner and that women have no such restrictions, and thus the writers actually have a big case of vagina envy. Frankly, I just think that that these idiots couldn’t come up with any logical reasons why these jocks would want to stay as girls, so they made up these Freudian-esque excuses so that people could go back to fantasizing to these girls/guys in peace. Too bad I didn’t fall for it, though. I see through your stupid plans, you talentless hacks.

But what I really hated about this arc was how they dealt with Ming Mei’s problem. When given the option to go back to being a man, Professor Sorgaz declines. Why? Because he was lonely. Yeah. He wants to be a teenage girl because he found his old life boring and friendless. Well boo freaking hoo. If you hated being lonely so much, why didn’t you go to a bar or join an online chat room or something? Whiny little she-male emo. But that’s not the worst part of this page. What really brings my blood to a boil is how lazy the creators got. Did these guys ever hear of the concept “show, don’t tell”? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to show Sorgaz being alone and friendless, instead of him telling the readers that he was alone? Couldn’t they give us a flashback that shows the reasons that made him decide to stay a girl? But they don’t! They mention his entire reason for staying female in one panel and never bring it up again! And the part with Ming Mei and Sorgaz being distinct personalities could have been interesting. When did this split develop? Why couldn’t they have put a little more time and effort into that aspect? They could have elaborated on this part to let the readers try and think for once. Like if Ming Mei’s personality was merely the result of a spell or was an actual identity built up from her experiences. But they don’t! It’s used for one page and never mentioned again! And most importantly, they devote one page to a character choosing one of the most important decisions of his/her life. That’s it. One page. Seriously? After all the hype with the flashback and the identity crisis and the fainting, the issue is completely resolved in one page? This is ridiculous! Most identity issues can take months or even years to figure out! Even in fiction land identity issues are never resolved at such a fast pace. It was just such a goddamn waste.

The most ironic thing about this comic arc is that every major character seems to be opposed to any major change whatsoever. Except Anne Onymous. Yes, the gormless twit who has been casually screwing up people’s lives on a daily basis is the only one with any brains or morals in this entire arc. Seriously. Despite hearing everything this comic can to convince her that nothing she did has repercussions, Anne still thinks she screwed up. Even when she learns that against all odds that everybody is happy with the forced changes, Anne decides to stop using magic so she doesn’t screw up again. It’s almost as if this comic is going out of its way to deify Anne and she is doing everything she can to bring reality into it. But considering this is The Wotch, Anne doesn’t realize that reality has no pertinence to this webcomic at all, so she is doomed from the start.

If I had to take a stab at what was the point of this exercise in futility, I would say this arc was supposed to be “character development”. I think it was supposed to help flesh out the personalities of the characters. But it actually had the opposite effect. The cheerleaders have had absolutely no changes whatsoever. The body-swapped couple has lost their only gimmick. And Ming Mei Wu went from being a walking Asian stereotype to someone with absolutely no personality at all. Wait, maybe that is an improvement… This arc still failed regardless. And if you haven’t decided to quit yet, then let’s go further into the madness. And yes, this comic can get stupider. Somehow.