The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part Four: Death of Logic and Compassion

Ah yes. Chapter Four of The Wotch. It is the chapter that will either break or make this series for you. This chapter is in many ways the distillation of the most terrible qualities in this comic. The unoriginal storyline that somehow gets mangled even further by creepy undertones. Poorly done artwork made even worse by blatant fanservice. And disturbing themes that make me rage and blanch at the idea that this is supposed to be fun and innocent. This chapter’s analysis will be very wordy. But that is to ensure you can understand how much of a soul-rendering tar pit this chapter is.

Chapter Four starts out with Anne making the “hilarious” mistake of scheduling too many things at once. If you look closely, you notice that the backgrounds are all actually filled in from Photoshop. At least the first three chapters tried to have backgrounds in them. Great. I’ve already found a flaw in this masterpiece, and it isn’t even the second page. And then they give away the plot of this comic on page two. Oh gods, I am going to go insane re-reading this again…

For those who can’t be arsed to look at the comic itself here’s the overview: Anne tries to clone herself, but said clones all reflect a certain aspect of her personality. So if you actually know anything about how magic works in fiction land, things do not go as planned. In fact, they reveal aspects of Anne’s mind that I really wish were kept bottled up in there. Like Anne’s “Feminine Pride”, for instance. Here, Anne’s “Affection” (seems more like Lust to me) insists on getting Robin a glass of water. Then when “Feminine Pride” enters the room, Robin quite logically asks if his friend actually got the water like she said she would. You would think she would ask something logical like “What are you talking about?” or “No. Why should I get you a glass of water?”. Instead, “Feminine Pride” decides to bitch at him for even considering asking in the first place, then goosesteps off muttering “men…” under her breath.

OK, I have a question for the writers of the writers of this comic. What the hell is “Feminine Pride” supposed to be? That is not a word I’ve ever heard or seen used in any context other than this webcomic in my entire life. Is it supposed to represent intrinsic pride in being female? Is it Anne’s pride with a different title? Is it sort of word made up by feminists that I never heard of? Webster’s dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Wikipedia doesn’t have a definition. OneLook Dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Seriously, WHAT THE CRAP DOES IT MEAN?! Gods, this is ridiculous…This personification makes a bunch of major changes to the status quo, and I don’t even have a coherent idea of what this idea is supposed to be. Oh well, I’ll just have to guess based on the dialogue alone. Hmmm…Well, the root words “Feminine” and “pride” seems to indicate that it personifies her prideful aspects and her feminine aspects. If we combine that with the use of the phrases “just because I’m a girl” and “men…” and her continuously constipated expression…Oh wait, I just got it! She’s the personification of Anne’s idea of feminists! …God dammit comic! What the hell is wrong with you?!

OK, let’s just move on. OK, then Anne’s personification of anger goes gonzo and then she… turns a middle aged white man into an teenage Asian girl wearing a Japanese schoolgirl uniform who can’t speak grammatically correct English…Wait, what? How could you think…this was good? HOW?! What possessed you to create this Japanophile’s wet dream into a character?! I mean…Mingmei Wu is the most stereotypical Chinese name I’ve ever seen! And she’s wearing a Japanese school uniform! Those don’t freaking mix! That’s like sticking a sombrero and pancho on someone from Spain and saying that’s good enough! And why the hell did Anne learn that spell in the first place? Why did Anne’s anger turn her teacher into a cosplay whore? Turning people into newts isn’t good enough? You had to go the extra mile and offend the intelligence of the readers as well? This comic just lost a huge amount of its credibility with me. If they can’t be arsed to figure out where to draw the line, then I can’t take them seriously anymore.

So after that sickening display of sadism, we find out that Anne’s spell is making other personifications of her personality appear, and it is negatively affecting her. So her friends have to find those personifications who essentially go on a rampage across town. This is all fine and dandy, except for the reemergence of “Feminine Pride”, who proceeds to turn four male jocks into female cheerleaders.

Let me clarify. The personification of a teenage female witch’s idea of “feminine pride” turns four teenage male football athletes into female cheerleaders, with stereotypical valley-girl personalities mind you, for no adequately explained reason within the comic itself whatsoever. And Robin, one of the protagonists of this comic mind you, seems to have absolutely no problem with this setup whatsoever.

I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just can’t accept this. As a man with a deep belief in the inherent good nature of all humankind (a belief that seems to get smaller and smaller by the minute), I cannot accept that this is a justifiable action. I cannot accept this flagrant misuse of reality warping superpowers is in any way heroic or even acceptable as a form of vigilante justice. This is wrong. This page, and by extension this comic, is just wrong on almost every conceivable level. I have been trying for hours to come up with a perfect metaphor for my feelings about this one singular page. I’ve got nothing.

Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this page it is almost laughable. First of all…what was the point of that? Seriously, what did it contribute to the story in terms of plot? Nothing! I mean, as horrible as this page was, it had a point. It established the villain of the story. It had a clear antagonist and a clear victim. It was necessary to drive the action. This page? They could have left it out entirely. It had no overall impact on the storyline whatsoever.

Secondly…why did “Feminine Pride” find it necessary to intervene? Or even do anything to those jocks? I suppose you could answer that they were threatening physical harm, but is that a proper justification for involving yourself in matters that don’t even relate to you? Besides, the girl was a wrestler! She has the capability to protect herself, and if she wanted help she could have called for it. Besides, they were in an open lot…I’m assuming. I can’t really tell if these characters are even still on Planet Earth due to the non-existent backgrounds. What was to stop the jocks’ teammates or even their coach or security from stopping them from threatening physical harm? Hell, they might not have even been threatening to beat her up in the first place! We’ll never know, because “Feminine Pride” decided to attack the bullies on her own idiotic whims.

Thirdly…why did she have to turn the jocks into girls? She is a witch! She can do anything! She could have turned them into newts! She could have teleported them onto the roof of their school! She could have conjured up an illusion of a tarrasque to scare them off! She could have frozen them in place! She could have even suspended them in midair and made them apologize for their actions! Of all the options that being a magical user give you, why does Anne only use things that alter physical appearances? Out of all the spells she has done, what have we seen besides physical changes? Prestidigitation and summoning. The writers couldn’t have tried something creative using only those spells? I mean, heaven forbid that Anne use the power to alter the flow of gravity or conjure any being from a different plane of reality to this one, no siree bob! She’s gotta pander to the base of horny basement-living geeks who fap to poorly drawn pictures of people who supposedly changed from males into females by using the same goddamn spells over and over again!

Fourthly…how is turning these jocks into girls a heroic or even commendable action? Seriously, how is turning these four jocks into cheerleaders a justifiable action? I mean, Anne’s “Feminine Pride” did tell them to “face the consequences”, but is this really a proportionate response? Are they saying that it is okay to threaten bullies with harm on the basis that you believe yourself to be heroic and that you have the power to do so? Or are they implying that it is okay because these are jocks? That this action is okay because these guys act overly macho and sexist and are not well liked? So, this comic is telling us that it is okay for bad things to happen to certain people because they act in a manner that we don’t like? Wow, what a great moral for the children. I know that the writers of the Wotch were probably too foolish to intend for this to be the message, but if this is what your readers see then your writing needs work really badly.

Fifthly…why did Anne’s “Feminine Pride” alter the jocks’ personalities? Seriously, look closely at the dialogue of those jocks on the page at the beginning compared to the end. They talk like they are valley girls, and their body language is completely different. It is obvious that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed their mindsets, but what was the purpose? If we can somehow accept that turning the jocks’ bodies was a form of punishment, then why did she have to alter their memories as well? Don’t believe me? Here. 11 chapters after the event, they confirm that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” screwed with their minds and personalities because she didn’t like them. Wow. That is sadistic. I mean, even if this could have been some sort of punishment, it is completely ineffectual because she wiped out the victims’ knowledge of why they are being punished. Punishment is supposed to be deterrence, to make the victims aware that certain actions are considered unacceptable, so that the victims will try to avoid them in the future. How effective is it to punish somebody for something they have no knowledge of? It isn’t!

Finally…why did nobody say a goddamn thing about the alteration?! I mean, maybe I could potentially understand why Robin is unfazed about the sudden change, but why didn’t that girl wrestler say anything? If four people were suddenly altered into different forms with no rhyme or reason, what would you do? Scream? Be confused? Ask the strangely familiar looking witch what did she just do to those jocks? Not in this comic. I was under the impression there was a form of logic behind this comic, but it is increasingly apparently there is not. And why didn’t Robin say a goddamn thing? One chapter ago, he was the wuss who started whining about Anne doing magic in public. Why didn’t he say a thing here? Is he too lazy to try and convince Anne’s “Feminine Pride” to fix the mess she created? Does he also have the mindset that what happened is fine because he didn’t like those jocks? What kind of heroes are these?! They are selfish idiots who don’t give a damn about consequences! What sort of “family friendly” comic is this?!

I haven’t even gotten to the other aspects of this regurgitated vomit called a page. There is no background to give us a frame of mind for where this is supposed to take place! The humans are constantly changing shape and size! Their mouths either disappear entirely or are placed inappropriately on their cheeks! Their noses look ridiculous! The writing is horrifically cramped, despite being 12 panels long! This page is terrible in every aspect, especially the writing! Do you see what is wrong with this page?! It is vile! It is disgusting! It is repugnant! It is disturbing! It is creepy! It is one of the worst pages in comic history! This isn’t a comic! This page is an unenjoyable waste of space that only serves to drag the rest of this mess down! OK, I’m so angry that every other insult ever made just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need to make up a new insult....I’ve got it! In summary, it’s anti-comic! It is the total opposite of entertainment! It should be buried and forgotten with all the other cultural flotsam of the internet, and we should never need speak its name again!

Great. All that writing, and I’m not even halfway done with this chapter. Oh, by the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, at this rate I am going to lose my mind. Let’s…try to get skim the rest to get it over with. After that…page-we-will-never-speak-of-again, we cut to Anne’s anger personified sulking in the gym, having reasoned that turning her teacher into a wapanese stereotype isn’t going to be well received by her peers. She is then visited by the main villain’s right-hand man Kohain Ravime, who…OK, I’m sorry, this name is too cliched for me. I gotta think of a new name for this dork. So, The Penguin offers Anne’s anger the ability to be permanently free from the rest of Anne if Anne’s anger kills her original. A bunch of talking, a bunch of walking and… oh you have to be kidding me. They ripped off Vampire Willow’s outfit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Are they even trying anymore? OK, long story short, Anne’s Anger gets the shit beaten out of her in an unepic battle, everything goes back to relatively normal, and Darth Vader tells Emperor Palpatine some bullcrap about tests or something and walks off into some voidless puke/blue space muttering vague plans that foreshadow the next arc. Oh, and the teacher and the jocks are stuck the way they are. For, as far as we know, the rest of their lives. Isn’t that nice? Everybody gets a happy ending except for the victims of Anne’s mess. But that’s okay because none of the victims remember. So, there are absolutely no long-term consequences whatsoever. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Stories about Anne screwing up, with her doing everything she can to not be found out, while events play out so that the status quo is maintained to have more stories about Anne’s screwups not being found out?

…OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS! This chapter sucked! The art was bland and terrible! The plot was clichéd from start to finish, and the writing only made it worse! Not to mention it contained two of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in a PG-13 comic ever made! This was one of the lowest points in this entire webcomic, and I can’t even pretend it didn’t exist because it forms the basis of the second lowest point in this terrible webcomic! You know, any sane and intelligent reviewer would probably have stopped right here and now. They would have seen that this comic has nothing more to offer them other than pain and mental scarring. Well I must be an idiot, because the next part is a summary of every other chapter in the first “season”, with a review. Hint of warning; it's not going to get any less messed up from this point on. Don't say I didn't warn you...