Ah yes. Chapter 15. The almost inappropriately named “Consequences” arc. What is so special about this particular arc, you may ask? Well, if you have been paying attention at all to this comic, you will notice that Anne Onymous has made a few slipups, if you will. I mean, it’s not Anne’s fault that two people have been stuck in each other’s bodies for months, an ordinary cashier clerk has been permanently transfigured into a centaur, four popular and well known male school athletes have been permanently transfigured into female cheerleaders, and a white male math teacher has been permanently transfigured into a teenage female japanophile stereotype, right? Apparently not, because we’re looking into the “consequences” of Anne’s little misuse of her reality bending powers.
Oh, but don’t think for a second that Anne is going to get any punishment for her actions. Despite the ominous background and menacing faces on the cover page, everything works out in the end. Turns out that everybody is happy with the forced changes made to their lives. Yes indeedy, Anne Onymous is a perfect pure saint who manages to make everyone happy through her blind idiotic use of magic. Even if someone’s life gets screwed over completely, it will all work out in the long run! Yep, everything’s all right in the world of Tandy Gardens. Except for the EVIL OMINOUS Lord Xaos lurking in the background, muttering “Just as Planned!” OH NOES! HOW WILL ANNE GET OUTTA THIZ WON, GUIZE?!
Yes, I’m very bitter about my experience reading this comic. And this chapter is probably one of the root causes of my bitterness. It is true that consequences are not exclusively bad, you see. Sometimes there are good consequences for actions. But there are no bad consequences in this comic. None at all. Especially for Anne Onymous. As for my use of the phrase “permanently transfigured”…Take one good, long look at this comic and tell me why the writers would keep these characters permanently transfigured. Okay, enough mental preparation, folks. Let’s dive in.
We start off with Anne finding out how her friends received mental scarring due to the events of the previous arc. And then she mutters to herself about “how glad she doesn’t have to deal with consequences like that.” Hah hah hah, very funny. Your mastery of dramatic irony is truly a sight to behold...We then cut to Ivan’s club, where it shows that apparently Ivan isn’t a complete dumbass, because he’s noticed that those four cheerleaders with the same names as those four guys that disappeared weren’t always there, despite the records from the school claiming that they were. Then Mingmei gets mentally traumatized by recovering his/her memories of when Anne screwed with his/her life. Which causes the body swapped duo to remember that Anne screwed with their lives too. And then Anne learns that an innocent bystander has had her life screwed up by Anne’s magic. Now this is interesting, isn’t it? Seeing how innocent bystanders are affected by Anne’s antics? Making the readers consider how people would react to the life changing experiences that are forced upon them? Making us wonder if these antics are still funny despite how painful it is for the victims?
But any philosophical discussion gets thrown straight out the window when this bitch shows up. For those of you who actually gave a crap about the story, you might recall that this mysterious cloaked figure is the person who gave Anne her powers in the first place. And what purpose does she provide to the story? She’s the Deus Ex Machina. You’ve been permanently turned into a centaur? She casts an illusion over you so nobody knows the difference! Have your personality completely submerged? She casts a spell so that no one knows the difference! Such a good copout, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not as if there wasn’t a hint anywhere in the story at all that would indicate an outside force is fixing all of Anne’s messes, right? Oh wait. There weren’t any hints in the story at all. I mean, for all we knew, Tzeentch could have been screwing with these guys for the lulz or something. Oh, and don’t think this is the last you see of Mysterious Cloaked Figure. She’s now an important character. Damnit…
Anyway, the drama comes to a head as we see that Ming Mei Wu, the body switched couple, and Ivan are all after Anne for some answers, while Anne is trying to fix the mess that she made when she turned those jocks into cheerleaders. After ducking Ivan, Anne rips out her “Feminine Pride” (I still don’t know what the hell that word means) and proceeds to argue with herself about whether or not it was morally right to change those jocks. Short answer: No, but nobody gives a rat’s cootie. Also, despite being given a chance to become a man again, Ming Mei decides that life is so much better as a teenage girl. Anne fixes a month long problem within seconds. And nobody gives a crap what happened to those jocks turned into cheerleaders because everyone is now so much happier with their lives. And Anne, after some teen angst, finds that the Mysterious Cloaked Figure is none other than…the previous Wotch! Holy crap! What a twist!
Right. You probably are wondering what makes this particular arc one of the worst points in the series. Well, the thing is…this arc gives you the impression that Anne is going to be dealing with the repercussions of her mistakes. I mean we have all these different victims gathering together trying to talk to Anne, while she tries to find out what happened. We ourselves might have wondered whether Anne’s antics will bite her in the ass one day. All this while the comic hypes you up with its dark title screen with Anne being surrounded by all her victims as though she was being interrogated. I mean, it’s called “Consequences”, right? It’s telling you right on the cover that this arc deals with the negative consequences of Anne’s mistakes!
But no. This comic doesn’t deal with negative consequences. It barely even acknowledges them. Everything just “happens” to turn out completely fine. Everybody just “happens” to like his or her new form. There just “happens” to be someone with magic powers to bail Anne out. And Anne just “happens” to have the luck of the entire goddamn nation of Ireland, because nobody is even angry in the slightest about her screwups. Do you see the problem now? No? Let me clarify it then. The author mollycoddles Anne Onymous far too much, and that is a BAD thing! I cannot possibly stress that enough. Anne is goddamn lucky to the point where it looks like the universe revolves around her! It’s like she’s a Mary Sue, and the authors are too chicken to admit it!
Don’t believe me? Let’s look at a few examples. Out of nowhere, some bitch that happens to have a special connection to Anne is all too ready to bail her out. Was this hinted at in the story at any point? NO! When did we last see her? All the way back in Chapter 1! Nowhere in the story did I see any sign of this person affecting anything at all. Everything came after the fact. It’s like the writers pulled this out of their ass when they couldn’t figure out how to fix the mess they made. “Oh crap, I’ve backed myself into a goddamn corner with this ‘Consequences’ stuff. How the hell is Anne Onymous ever gonna fix this mess? Wait! Maybe Anne doesn’t have to! I’ll just say that she has…a mentor or something! Now what to name her? Oh who cares! I’ll just use a name generator! Hah Hah Hah, I am a genius, LOL!”
Then there’s how this comic deals with the issue of the cheerleaders. Do you know how Anne finds out about how she screwed over those jocks? Robin tells her months afterwards. Why didn’t he tell her before? Because he forgot. That’s right. He forgets that a personification of Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed four well-known jocks into cheerleaders. How do you forget something like that?! Naturally, Anne wants to fix this. But everybody prefers these girls to the jocks, so that totally justifies the permanent alteration. Since everybody is happy, there is no problem! But wait; didn’t Anne’s spell change their personalities as well? So therefore, the cheerleaders that everybody prefers could possibly be mere fabrications? So would it not be best to at least restore the minds of these jocks as an apology for any pain and suffering she might have unintentionally caused them? No, because apparently these cheerleaders do the exact same activities as the jocks did, but they are friendlier and happier and sexier as girls. And more popular. And more sexy. And more outgoing. And smarter. And did I mention sexier? I think it might have slipped my mind despite all the “subtle hints” this comic gave me!
OK, time out. I can’t grasp their logic here. I still don’t get why it is acceptable to have someone’s personality altered because you didn’t like the way they acted before. I know that the people that aren’t the victims might personally feel happier this way, but that isn’t a moral correct decision. That is just selfish. I mean, what do people have against these jocks? The comic tells us they were bullies but we only know about the bullying because the comic might occasionally deign to mention it to us. Besides, what if there was someone that actually liked these guys? What about their opinions? Do they get any representation in the matter? No. The comic says that everybody hates them, and that’s it. Also, the part where they mention that these jocks are able to do things as girls that they couldn’t as guys makes no sense at all. Think about it. This comic implies that these cheerleaders had the same hobbies, beliefs, friends, interests, and dislikes as when they were jocks. Essentially, there is no difference except that the jocks are girls now. But because of this one difference, their lives are a thousand times better and they are happier and feel less societal pressure because they’re girls. Are you kidding me? That is mind-bogglingly stupid! How do these jocks feel less societal pressure as females? What about weight disorders, or sexuality, or social issues, or even physical development? Add in the basic problems such as money woes and education and relationship troubles and you’ve got the setup for a lot of angst in the average teenage female. So I don’t get what this comic is saying with this whole “Now I can express myself in ways I couldn’t as a boy, but still do male activities with no problems whatsoever” bit. Because anyone that has lived in America with half a brain knows that it is definitely untrue. I mean, I could say that this comic is implying that society forces men to act in a certain manner and that women have no such restrictions, and thus the writers actually have a big case of vagina envy. Frankly, I just think that that these idiots couldn’t come up with any logical reasons why these jocks would want to stay as girls, so they made up these Freudian-esque excuses so that people could go back to fantasizing to these girls/guys in peace. Too bad I didn’t fall for it, though. I see through your stupid plans, you talentless hacks.
But what I really hated about this arc was how they dealt with Ming Mei’s problem. When given the option to go back to being a man, Professor Sorgaz declines. Why? Because he was lonely. Yeah. He wants to be a teenage girl because he found his old life boring and friendless. Well boo freaking hoo. If you hated being lonely so much, why didn’t you go to a bar or join an online chat room or something? Whiny little she-male emo. But that’s not the worst part of this page. What really brings my blood to a boil is how lazy the creators got. Did these guys ever hear of the concept “show, don’t tell”? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to show Sorgaz being alone and friendless, instead of him telling the readers that he was alone? Couldn’t they give us a flashback that shows the reasons that made him decide to stay a girl? But they don’t! They mention his entire reason for staying female in one panel and never bring it up again! And the part with Ming Mei and Sorgaz being distinct personalities could have been interesting. When did this split develop? Why couldn’t they have put a little more time and effort into that aspect? They could have elaborated on this part to let the readers try and think for once. Like if Ming Mei’s personality was merely the result of a spell or was an actual identity built up from her experiences. But they don’t! It’s used for one page and never mentioned again! And most importantly, they devote one page to a character choosing one of the most important decisions of his/her life. That’s it. One page. Seriously? After all the hype with the flashback and the identity crisis and the fainting, the issue is completely resolved in one page? This is ridiculous! Most identity issues can take months or even years to figure out! Even in fiction land identity issues are never resolved at such a fast pace. It was just such a goddamn waste.
The most ironic thing about this comic arc is that every major character seems to be opposed to any major change whatsoever. Except Anne Onymous. Yes, the gormless twit who has been casually screwing up people’s lives on a daily basis is the only one with any brains or morals in this entire arc. Seriously. Despite hearing everything this comic can to convince her that nothing she did has repercussions, Anne still thinks she screwed up. Even when she learns that against all odds that everybody is happy with the forced changes, Anne decides to stop using magic so she doesn’t screw up again. It’s almost as if this comic is going out of its way to deify Anne and she is doing everything she can to bring reality into it. But considering this is The Wotch, Anne doesn’t realize that reality has no pertinence to this webcomic at all, so she is doomed from the start.
If I had to take a stab at what was the point of this exercise in futility, I would say this arc was supposed to be “character development”. I think it was supposed to help flesh out the personalities of the characters. But it actually had the opposite effect. The cheerleaders have had absolutely no changes whatsoever. The body-swapped couple has lost their only gimmick. And Ming Mei Wu went from being a walking Asian stereotype to someone with absolutely no personality at all. Wait, maybe that is an improvement… This arc still failed regardless. And if you haven’t decided to quit yet, then let’s go further into the madness. And yes, this comic can get stupider. Somehow.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part 6: Chapters 10-14
Okay, before I start summarizing season 2, I’m going to have to address a major issue with this comic. The Wotch has a big problem with pacing. It used to be that they would make on average 3-4 comics a week. But at the end of the first season, they though it was a suitable time to work on “real world issues”. Pffft…wimps. What does this mean for us readers? I tell you what. I’ll summarize it…in song!
Cause this is FILLER! Filler Night!
Ain’t no one gonna save you from the boredom ‘bout to strike!
You know it’s FILLER! Filler Night!
You struggle to survive inside this killer! Filler! TONIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Finally, after over 5 MONTHS OF NOTHING BUT FREAKING FILLER, we are officially into the second season. Let’s get started before they make up more reasons to delay. The 10th chapter starts us off with a recap showing what happened in between those 5 MONTHS OF NOTHING BUT FREAKING FILLER. And what happened, you may ask? Nothing of any great importance whatsoever. Yeah…moving on!
We cut to Angelique, the genie from Chapter 5, who has been attempting to find her place in the mortal world, but is not doing well. Then she is visited by her sister Kali, who is totally unrelated to the Hindu goddess of the same name. Jason gets captured, and we find out Robin’s younger brother is a Naruto fanboy. At least he isn’t as annoying as some of the actual fans twice his age. So, Angelique, Robin, and Anne decide to save Jason. Then we are introduced to the antagonist, who happens to be a midget genie mob boss. Never thought I’d ever have to type that sentence. Our heroes travel to…um…Agrabah, get captured by the guards, escape, and infiltrates Shadow Moses. While escaping, our heroes come across a mysterious ancient painting, which depicts some ancient battle between an evil genie overlord and two champions of magic and blah blah blah I don’t give a rat’s cootie. Oh, and there’s a subplot involving opposing viewpoints between Angelique and Kali about how it’s wrong to abuse mortal people because you have the power to do so. Yeah, this comic just became really wordy all of a sudden, and I’m falling asleep on my keyboard trying to read this whole thing. This is an example of a common problem when a comic tries to become more dramatic, known as Cerebus Syndrome. And believe me, it is rarely fun to endure. Let’s speed this up. Anti-racism message, gratuitous Darth Vader appearance, DBZ action, dramatic farewells, unnecessary foreshadowing, and thank Robin Williams this is over because this all the comic I can stand. MOVING ON!
Oh for the love of Artemis, not this arc! Anything but this boring useless fanservice ridden waste of pixels! Oh sod it. There’s nothing important about this part in the slightest. It’s just one giant rehashing of the Batman The Animated Series episode Terror in the Sky, but with furry tits and no Batman or fun whatsoever. And stop with the fanservice already! This comic sucks hard enough without me remembering that a bunch of lonely basement nerds are getting boners reading this crap! Give me something more interesting!
… Dammit, this comic is just taunting me now. So for Chapter 12, we cut to…um…who the hell are these fruit loops again? Oh, who cares? They’re just some generic resistance group going up against a generic evil overlord in a generic fantasy world. In fact this resistance group is so generic their actual name is “The Soldiers of Resistance.” And it almost seems like I’m joking, doesn’t it? But I’m really not! Fun times ahead! OK, there really isn’t much to this arc so I’ll focus on the interesting parts.
A penguin pirate. Which would be far more kickass if this wasn’t The Wotch. Giant Sand worms, straight out of Dune. A Luke Skywalker ripoff, making Star Wars analogies far easier to make. The origins of the Darth Vader clone. An assassin that changes from a guy into a girl during the night of a full moon. And feels insulted when called a “Were”, which makes no sense since “Were” is just the Latin word for “man”. While I’m on the subject, what is this Yugioh guy classified as? I mean, the whole Man-Wolf thing doesn’t apply, so what would we call a male human that can change into a female human? Would he/she be a “Were-Wif”, aka Man-Woman? Oh, forget it. They don’t care, so why should I? Obi-wan Kenobi mixed with Gandalf the Grey. And a really dirty-looking ending panel. Done. Moving on!
Hey kiddies! Guess what? It’s Crossover Time! This chapter is a collaboration between The Wotch and a webcomic known as Accidental Centaurs. The plot of Accidental Centaurs is two scientists get sucked into a magical dimension, get turned into centaurs, and go on adventures with a genie called Lenny. Simple enough. Now the first thing you will notice is that the artists Anne Onymous(The Wotch) and John Lotshaw (Accidental Centaurs) have two very different styles. How do they compare? First, let’s look at the artwork. In my opinion John Lotshaw is the better of the two artists. Mainly because his artwork is far more detailed, the characters are far more expressive, and his art style seems to be a mix between comic book art and superflat artwork, giving it a unique look. Anne Onymous uses photoshop. Yeah… In terms of writing, I would say Accidental Centaurs wins by a slight margin. The Wotch has a few unique ideas that are soon buried under mountains of stupidity, inanity and fanservice. Accidental Centaur, on the other hand, is generic as all hell, but it is far more tolerable. As for fanservice…The Wotch wins. Hands down. So overall, Accidental Centaurs is a great webcomic, and is an enjoyable reading experience. Wait, I was supposed to be reviewing The Wotch, wasn’t I? Fine, let’s get on with it. What’s the plot of this crossover, you may ask? Well, the Wicked Witch of the West captures Anne and Lenny for her evil experiments and… OK, I don’t need to finish that sentence without figuring the outcome of this story. Essentially, all that matters is that Anne and co. learn about Darth Vader, and Samantha gets the ability to cast magic. Oh, and did you see the part where Anne Onymous and Samantha merge into some hideous amalgamation? That is actually a sexual fetish. And if that revelation didn’t disturb you, maybe the implication that this image is filler for a PG-13 comic will. PG-13 my ass… next chapter!
Chapter 14 is when this comic attempts to insert some “drama” into the comic with a double date storyline. It also tries to reincorporate “wacky humor” back into the story. We start this little farce with Cassie trying to use magic to hook up with Robin, and Jason going on a in a desperate bid to see a movie…as a girl! Because nothing is funnier than awkward clothes shopping and sexist humor and interspecies romance! Oh, and there’s something about prophecies and slumber parties. Then…it devolves into a mess with four plot points running at the exact same time. I think this comic has developed schizophrenia. It can’t decide if it wants to be a comedy, a drama, or an action adventure. Yes it is possible to mix elements of multiple genres together to make your story more interesting. But this comic more or less chooses ideas that seem cool and throwing them willy-nilly until something sticks. So, how does it end, you may ask? Well, Jason frenches a guy, Robin bafflingly screws up his date, Cassie gets suicidal depressed, and then…this happens. Yeah, what a stellar ending. An appearance of what appears to be the bastard love child of Kefka and Sephiroth wearing a bathrobe. Yawn. Oh well, at least there was no Darth Vader appearance this time. Overall, it was boring. This was mainly due to this comic’s inability to focus on getting one element down pat, making all the parts feel really half hearted. The only moment that was actually amusing was the mall plant getting affected by a love potion. I don’t know why. Maybe because the image of a plant trying to write a love ballad to a Goth chick is silly and far removed from the regular TG crap I have to plod through. But then this [53a] japanophile induced junk reminded me which comic I was reading. So thanks, Wotch. Thanks for ruining the one moment of happiness I have felt in a long time while I was reading this comic. You bloody nerds...
Whelp folks, this is it. The big one. The moment I’ve been dreading this entire time. The second worst arc in this entire comic. If the fourth chapter didn’t offend you, [56a] Chapter 15, Consequences, most certainly will. From here on out, you will be subjected to horrors of the mind unlike any other. You will think this is when this comic cannot get any worse. But it will. And I’m going review it for you. Have a vomit bag at the ready.
Cause this is FILLER! Filler Night!
Ain’t no one gonna save you from the boredom ‘bout to strike!
You know it’s FILLER! Filler Night!
You struggle to survive inside this killer! Filler! TONIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Finally, after over 5 MONTHS OF NOTHING BUT FREAKING FILLER, we are officially into the second season. Let’s get started before they make up more reasons to delay. The 10th chapter starts us off with a recap showing what happened in between those 5 MONTHS OF NOTHING BUT FREAKING FILLER. And what happened, you may ask? Nothing of any great importance whatsoever. Yeah…moving on!
We cut to Angelique, the genie from Chapter 5, who has been attempting to find her place in the mortal world, but is not doing well. Then she is visited by her sister Kali, who is totally unrelated to the Hindu goddess of the same name. Jason gets captured, and we find out Robin’s younger brother is a Naruto fanboy. At least he isn’t as annoying as some of the actual fans twice his age. So, Angelique, Robin, and Anne decide to save Jason. Then we are introduced to the antagonist, who happens to be a midget genie mob boss. Never thought I’d ever have to type that sentence. Our heroes travel to…um…Agrabah, get captured by the guards, escape, and infiltrates Shadow Moses. While escaping, our heroes come across a mysterious ancient painting, which depicts some ancient battle between an evil genie overlord and two champions of magic and blah blah blah I don’t give a rat’s cootie. Oh, and there’s a subplot involving opposing viewpoints between Angelique and Kali about how it’s wrong to abuse mortal people because you have the power to do so. Yeah, this comic just became really wordy all of a sudden, and I’m falling asleep on my keyboard trying to read this whole thing. This is an example of a common problem when a comic tries to become more dramatic, known as Cerebus Syndrome. And believe me, it is rarely fun to endure. Let’s speed this up. Anti-racism message, gratuitous Darth Vader appearance, DBZ action, dramatic farewells, unnecessary foreshadowing, and thank Robin Williams this is over because this all the comic I can stand. MOVING ON!
Oh for the love of Artemis, not this arc! Anything but this boring useless fanservice ridden waste of pixels! Oh sod it. There’s nothing important about this part in the slightest. It’s just one giant rehashing of the Batman The Animated Series episode Terror in the Sky, but with furry tits and no Batman or fun whatsoever. And stop with the fanservice already! This comic sucks hard enough without me remembering that a bunch of lonely basement nerds are getting boners reading this crap! Give me something more interesting!
… Dammit, this comic is just taunting me now. So for Chapter 12, we cut to…um…who the hell are these fruit loops again? Oh, who cares? They’re just some generic resistance group going up against a generic evil overlord in a generic fantasy world. In fact this resistance group is so generic their actual name is “The Soldiers of Resistance.” And it almost seems like I’m joking, doesn’t it? But I’m really not! Fun times ahead! OK, there really isn’t much to this arc so I’ll focus on the interesting parts.
A penguin pirate. Which would be far more kickass if this wasn’t The Wotch. Giant Sand worms, straight out of Dune. A Luke Skywalker ripoff, making Star Wars analogies far easier to make. The origins of the Darth Vader clone. An assassin that changes from a guy into a girl during the night of a full moon. And feels insulted when called a “Were”, which makes no sense since “Were” is just the Latin word for “man”. While I’m on the subject, what is this Yugioh guy classified as? I mean, the whole Man-Wolf thing doesn’t apply, so what would we call a male human that can change into a female human? Would he/she be a “Were-Wif”, aka Man-Woman? Oh, forget it. They don’t care, so why should I? Obi-wan Kenobi mixed with Gandalf the Grey. And a really dirty-looking ending panel. Done. Moving on!
Hey kiddies! Guess what? It’s Crossover Time! This chapter is a collaboration between The Wotch and a webcomic known as Accidental Centaurs. The plot of Accidental Centaurs is two scientists get sucked into a magical dimension, get turned into centaurs, and go on adventures with a genie called Lenny. Simple enough. Now the first thing you will notice is that the artists Anne Onymous(The Wotch) and John Lotshaw (Accidental Centaurs) have two very different styles. How do they compare? First, let’s look at the artwork. In my opinion John Lotshaw is the better of the two artists. Mainly because his artwork is far more detailed, the characters are far more expressive, and his art style seems to be a mix between comic book art and superflat artwork, giving it a unique look. Anne Onymous uses photoshop. Yeah… In terms of writing, I would say Accidental Centaurs wins by a slight margin. The Wotch has a few unique ideas that are soon buried under mountains of stupidity, inanity and fanservice. Accidental Centaur, on the other hand, is generic as all hell, but it is far more tolerable. As for fanservice…The Wotch wins. Hands down. So overall, Accidental Centaurs is a great webcomic, and is an enjoyable reading experience. Wait, I was supposed to be reviewing The Wotch, wasn’t I? Fine, let’s get on with it. What’s the plot of this crossover, you may ask? Well, the Wicked Witch of the West captures Anne and Lenny for her evil experiments and… OK, I don’t need to finish that sentence without figuring the outcome of this story. Essentially, all that matters is that Anne and co. learn about Darth Vader, and Samantha gets the ability to cast magic. Oh, and did you see the part where Anne Onymous and Samantha merge into some hideous amalgamation? That is actually a sexual fetish. And if that revelation didn’t disturb you, maybe the implication that this image is filler for a PG-13 comic will. PG-13 my ass… next chapter!
Chapter 14 is when this comic attempts to insert some “drama” into the comic with a double date storyline. It also tries to reincorporate “wacky humor” back into the story. We start this little farce with Cassie trying to use magic to hook up with Robin, and Jason going on a in a desperate bid to see a movie…as a girl! Because nothing is funnier than awkward clothes shopping and sexist humor and interspecies romance! Oh, and there’s something about prophecies and slumber parties. Then…it devolves into a mess with four plot points running at the exact same time. I think this comic has developed schizophrenia. It can’t decide if it wants to be a comedy, a drama, or an action adventure. Yes it is possible to mix elements of multiple genres together to make your story more interesting. But this comic more or less chooses ideas that seem cool and throwing them willy-nilly until something sticks. So, how does it end, you may ask? Well, Jason frenches a guy, Robin bafflingly screws up his date, Cassie gets suicidal depressed, and then…this happens. Yeah, what a stellar ending. An appearance of what appears to be the bastard love child of Kefka and Sephiroth wearing a bathrobe. Yawn. Oh well, at least there was no Darth Vader appearance this time. Overall, it was boring. This was mainly due to this comic’s inability to focus on getting one element down pat, making all the parts feel really half hearted. The only moment that was actually amusing was the mall plant getting affected by a love potion. I don’t know why. Maybe because the image of a plant trying to write a love ballad to a Goth chick is silly and far removed from the regular TG crap I have to plod through. But then this [53a] japanophile induced junk reminded me which comic I was reading. So thanks, Wotch. Thanks for ruining the one moment of happiness I have felt in a long time while I was reading this comic. You bloody nerds...
Whelp folks, this is it. The big one. The moment I’ve been dreading this entire time. The second worst arc in this entire comic. If the fourth chapter didn’t offend you, [56a] Chapter 15, Consequences, most certainly will. From here on out, you will be subjected to horrors of the mind unlike any other. You will think this is when this comic cannot get any worse. But it will. And I’m going review it for you. Have a vomit bag at the ready.
The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part Five: Season One in Review
We’ve got about 5 more chapters to cover, so let’s not dilly-dally. Chapter 5 starts out with Anne and her toys/friends going to a magical store to help Anne restock on magical junk. But then Emperor Palpatine gives Jason a Genie’s lamp, who manages to make a sexay genie appear! Oh, and they have the balls to remind me about the previous arc… I hate this comic. I really do. Anyway, when Jason’s wishing spree goes wrong, the comic indulges in a little gender bending (with a side order of cheesecake), age regression, transformation, body swapping, people turning into mannequins, and “bimboification”. All of which happen to be actual sexual fetishes. You have no idea how much I wish I were making that up. Anyway, they reveal that the reason for the Genie’s malfunctioning powers is due to the fact that the bottle she had been summoned in is cursed. This could have made for an interesting adventure to fix the bottle and free the Genie from the curse…but the problem is solved literally four pages later. I just…I want to like this comic, but they waste some of the best concepts they have by buggering around with their stupid sexual fetishes. Oh, and more Darth Vader for no reason whatsoever. Yawn. So, Chapter 5 was essentially wasted potential. Next chapter!
Chapter 6 is a slumber party somehow involving a demon . I would have just moved on and let you draw your own conclusions, but I think you people haven’t suffered enough yet. I mean, this page tells you everything you need to know about what you should expect from this comic. And manages to reference Animal House. Which is an R-rated movie. PG-13 my ass…Anyway, the real reason I didn’t just skip this pile of crap is because this chapter introduces Cassie SinCLAIR, an important secondary character who happens to be my favorite because she has the most human-like personality in this entire webcomic. Granted, she is still about as deep and interesting as a children’s wading pool with her atypical “Perky Goth” personality, but I suppose one has to start somewhere. Anyway, boring jokes are made, Jason decides to crash the party, and Cassie summons a demon by accident. When I first read this arc, I was freaking excited. I mean, a demon tearing through town, doing all sorts of unspeakable horrors and wrecking shit up? That was the coolest thing in this comic to date! So imagine how disappointed I was when the demon just transforms people into a bunch of different shit. Just like every other magic user in this comic has done before. Yeah... Anyway, the demon named Unicarn (no, not the horned horse) goes on a less-than-stellar rampage by transforming people into other things. After some mucking about, Anne uses her powers to turn herself into a female version of Unicarn (no, not the planet-sized robot), and they fight. It’s far less exciting than you can possibly imagine. And so our comic ends with Unicarn (no, not the modeling kit brand) being banished to the Phantom Zone, while the comic makes a masturbation joke. And I do not care how much you may believe I am taking that out of context, because when people can find images of people turning into mannequins sexually arousing, anything is possible. Especially in this wank-fest of a comic. Oh, and we’ve also got Darth Vader strangling a furry. Huh, maybe I was wrong about how bad this comic was… Wait, what am I saying? Next Chapter!
Chapter 7 involves Anne screwing up her spell that turns her younger sister back into her older brother… And I realize just how disturbing that sounded. Anyway, magic amulet screws up, and now her older brother Evan is stuck with the mind of a four year old until Anne turns him into a four year old, whereupon Evan regains his mind but not his adult body… And I realize just how disturbing that sounded. Anyway, Evan has a job interview on that day, so they have to alternate between having a sugar crazed man-child and a grownup in a four-year old’s body and… OK, I give up. There is no way to make this arc sound interesting. It is filler, plain and simple. There is nothing I can’t describe about this that you couldn’t already guess. I’m moving on to the next chapter. Um…which one was that again?
God Damnit! Another filler arc! And a two-for-one special, at that! Basically, Jason and Robin go shopping at the mall, while the writers try to make us give a crap about the ongoing “epic” involving some sort of “resistance”. Yeah, the whole thing is summarized on this page. It separates the dramedy aspects from the action-adventure aspects and all it does is manage to show how boring both of these aspects can be made by bad writing. I’ve no more tolerance for this arc. Next Chapter!
Chapter 9.The final chapter for Season One. Oh thank gods I’m almost finished. The story begins with Robin pining his inability to do…anything useful at all. So, he buys a magic book from Emperor Palpatine. Yep, nothing bad about taking books from obviously villainous creeps. Oh wait…never mind. Anyway, Robin has inexplicably been changed into a centaur, Anne’s been turned into a fairy (Tinkerbell variety), and Jason has been turned into…
WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEL IS THIS BULLCRAP?! A FEMALE SATYR?! THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY SUCH THING AS A FEMALE SATYR IN GREEK MYTHLOLGY! AND FOR GOOD REASON! DYRADS ARE ALWAYS FEMALE! SATYRS ARE ALWAYS MALE! THEY MATE TOGETHER TO MAKE MORE SATYRS AND DRYADS! THAT IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO WORK! REMEMBER THAT SCENE IN THAT DISNEY HERCULES FILM? WHERE PHIL IS CHASING A BUNCH OF DRYADS? YOU EVER WONDER WHY HE DIDN’T GO AFTER SOME FEMALE SATYRS INSTEAD? THERE WERE NONE! THIS COMIC’S DEPICTION OF A FEMALE SATYR IS JUST PLAIN WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! I HATE THIS COMIC! HATE IT! HATE IT!
YOU PETULANT WRITERS, WHO CONTAIN BOTH THE FOOLISHNESS OF MAN AND MACHINE! YOU THINK WRITING IS SIMPLE?! YOU THINK YOUR SO-CALLED ART HAS MEANING?! YOU THINK YOU CAN ACHIEVE TRUTH THROUGH YOUR WARPED IDEALS OF THE POSSIBILITIES OF MAN AND BEAST?! WAKE UP! ONE CANNOT FIND TRUTH WRAPPED UP IN PRETTY WORDS AND CARDBOARD CUTOUTS! DO NOT HIDE BEHIND YOUR PLEASANT FICTIONAL WORLD OF FRIENDS WHO NEVER WERE, ACTING OUT YOUR LIMITIED FANTASIES WHILE YOU IGNORE THE PAINS AND ACHES OF THE REAL WORLD! TO FIND TRUTH, YOU MUST EXTINGUISH YOUR STAGNANT SELF! TO BRING TO LIFE THE GODS THAT LAY HIDDEN IN OUR SUBCONCIOUS! TO BRING ABOUT A NEW SENSE OF BEING! THAT IS WHY GREAT WRITING POTENTIAL IS SO VALUED! THAT IS WHY IT IS SO RARE! IT CHOOSES ONE WHO USES THE POWERS OF GODS CREATED BY MAN! ONE WHO IS ABLE TO ARRIVE AT ONE SINGLE TRUTH! BUT, THAT IS NOT THE CASE WITH YOU! THIS COMIC SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR! DO YOU COMPREHEND?! IT SHOULD JUST DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry for my unprofessional outburst there. I just have a sore spot when people make really, really, REALLY, stupid mistakes like that. I'll try to refrain from that in the future.
OK, after that... little mix-up of Greek mythos, we find out that the spell that transformed the main characters into mythical creatures is affecting others. I’d give them credit for the imaginative use of mythical creatures, but there isn’t really anything interesting about their choices. Other than cameos of The Sprite from the awesome game Secret of Mana and Sandra from the much superior webcomic Zebra Girl. Yeah, since Anne easily fixes the whole mess using magic (emphasis on easily), I’m just gonna list the mythical creatures I recognized and how they were portrayed.
· Centaurs: Nothing wrong.
· Pixies: Resemble fairies more than pixies.
· Mermaids: Based on Disney incarnation.
· Satyrs: NO FEMALE SATYRS! HOW HARD IS THAT TO COMPREHEND?!
· Griffin: Generally not this humanoid, but I’ll let it slide.
· Sphinx: Smaller than original, but I’ll let it slide.
· Dragon thing: No comment, have no idea what it is exactly. Dragon was first guess, but DnD monster genealogy is ridiculously screwy, so cannot be sure…
· Tanooki: Name is from the Tanooki suit from Super Mario, not the Tanuki. Shapeshifting does not contain magical leaf used in most modern day incarnations. The Tanuki is also a Japanese mythological creature, not a Chinese one. And Mingmei Wu still can’t use grammatically correct sentences. Considering how ridiculously stupid the existence of Mingmei Wu is already, this depiction is probably the best we could hope for.
· Elf: Tolkein-esque, tolerable.
· Gorgons: There were only ever 3, but I’ll let it slide.
· Dryad: More like D&D version, but good enough as is.
· Yeti: Nothing wrong. Not much to get wrong, but still…
· Imp: Looks more like a brownie to me (not the chocolate). I’ll let it slide, though.
· Sprite: Cameo, nothing to add.
· Zebra-esque Demon: Cameo, nothing to add.
· Naga: Technically a cameo, but still too generic for me to tell who it is supposed to be. If compared to the mythos found in Hinduism/Buddhism, it’s missing its arms. If compared to any other mythos, far too humanoid/snakelike to resemble a dragon. If compared to D&D, far too humanoid, aka not supposed to have boobies.
· Balor(?) Demon: Looks like Satan. As good as this will ever get.
· Minotaur: Never gave riddles in the original myth. Presumably based off the Minotaur character from the Batman the Animated Series episode “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Rich?” which was a robot programmed by the Riddler.
· Cameo of Link from the Legend of Zelda: Doesn’t speak. Like the original. Thank Nayru, Faroe and Din he didn’t. Because if they did….
· Sea Serpent: Nothing wrong, but looks unusually similar to Unicarn
· Drider: Surprisingly accurate, down to the elfin ears. Never seen one with a Black widow theme before…
· Phoenix: Nothing wrong.
So, you’d think this is over. After the big problem has been solved, the arc would be over right? …Wrong. They have a bunch of loose flotsam that is left right at the end just to have new material for later. Ivan sets up an investigation crew to figure out what the hell is going on, Cassie discovers she has magical powers aside from summoning demons , and Darth Vader…does absolutely nothing of interest. Again. So, after all this, what have we learned about the first season of The Wotch?
1. Early artwork looks like crap. People look odd and change their looks between panels even when they haven’t been transformed, backgrounds have the odd tendency to disappear, and they rely heavily on Photoshop. It gets better in the 9th chapter, but the artwork becomes cramped as a result of the detail. Acceptable tradeoff, but only just.
2. Writing is bland and generic, but somehow got really wordy to the point of making the panels really cramped. Most of their original ideas are either wasted on plotlines that inevitably go back to the status quo, or are unnecessary to the plot. In short, they should find an editor. I know it’s the Internet, but really…
3. This comic panders way too heavily to the TF/TG fetishes the fanbase seems to expect, and it gets in the way of the story. Even to the point of creating moments of moral dissonance between the writers and the readers. This is the biggest pain in the ass to reading this comic, and really needs fixing immediately.
Well, I hope this has been an enlightening experience for all of you. I’m just glad to get this comic over with… Oh wait, I almost forgot. There is a second season. Crap…
Chapter 6 is a slumber party somehow involving a demon . I would have just moved on and let you draw your own conclusions, but I think you people haven’t suffered enough yet. I mean, this page tells you everything you need to know about what you should expect from this comic. And manages to reference Animal House. Which is an R-rated movie. PG-13 my ass…Anyway, the real reason I didn’t just skip this pile of crap is because this chapter introduces Cassie SinCLAIR, an important secondary character who happens to be my favorite because she has the most human-like personality in this entire webcomic. Granted, she is still about as deep and interesting as a children’s wading pool with her atypical “Perky Goth” personality, but I suppose one has to start somewhere. Anyway, boring jokes are made, Jason decides to crash the party, and Cassie summons a demon by accident. When I first read this arc, I was freaking excited. I mean, a demon tearing through town, doing all sorts of unspeakable horrors and wrecking shit up? That was the coolest thing in this comic to date! So imagine how disappointed I was when the demon just transforms people into a bunch of different shit. Just like every other magic user in this comic has done before. Yeah... Anyway, the demon named Unicarn (no, not the horned horse) goes on a less-than-stellar rampage by transforming people into other things. After some mucking about, Anne uses her powers to turn herself into a female version of Unicarn (no, not the planet-sized robot), and they fight. It’s far less exciting than you can possibly imagine. And so our comic ends with Unicarn (no, not the modeling kit brand) being banished to the Phantom Zone, while the comic makes a masturbation joke. And I do not care how much you may believe I am taking that out of context, because when people can find images of people turning into mannequins sexually arousing, anything is possible. Especially in this wank-fest of a comic. Oh, and we’ve also got Darth Vader strangling a furry. Huh, maybe I was wrong about how bad this comic was… Wait, what am I saying? Next Chapter!
Chapter 7 involves Anne screwing up her spell that turns her younger sister back into her older brother… And I realize just how disturbing that sounded. Anyway, magic amulet screws up, and now her older brother Evan is stuck with the mind of a four year old until Anne turns him into a four year old, whereupon Evan regains his mind but not his adult body… And I realize just how disturbing that sounded. Anyway, Evan has a job interview on that day, so they have to alternate between having a sugar crazed man-child and a grownup in a four-year old’s body and… OK, I give up. There is no way to make this arc sound interesting. It is filler, plain and simple. There is nothing I can’t describe about this that you couldn’t already guess. I’m moving on to the next chapter. Um…which one was that again?
God Damnit! Another filler arc! And a two-for-one special, at that! Basically, Jason and Robin go shopping at the mall, while the writers try to make us give a crap about the ongoing “epic” involving some sort of “resistance”. Yeah, the whole thing is summarized on this page. It separates the dramedy aspects from the action-adventure aspects and all it does is manage to show how boring both of these aspects can be made by bad writing. I’ve no more tolerance for this arc. Next Chapter!
Chapter 9.The final chapter for Season One. Oh thank gods I’m almost finished. The story begins with Robin pining his inability to do…anything useful at all. So, he buys a magic book from Emperor Palpatine. Yep, nothing bad about taking books from obviously villainous creeps. Oh wait…never mind. Anyway, Robin has inexplicably been changed into a centaur, Anne’s been turned into a fairy (Tinkerbell variety), and Jason has been turned into…
WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEL IS THIS BULLCRAP?! A FEMALE SATYR?! THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY SUCH THING AS A FEMALE SATYR IN GREEK MYTHLOLGY! AND FOR GOOD REASON! DYRADS ARE ALWAYS FEMALE! SATYRS ARE ALWAYS MALE! THEY MATE TOGETHER TO MAKE MORE SATYRS AND DRYADS! THAT IS HOW IT IS SUPPOSED TO WORK! REMEMBER THAT SCENE IN THAT DISNEY HERCULES FILM? WHERE PHIL IS CHASING A BUNCH OF DRYADS? YOU EVER WONDER WHY HE DIDN’T GO AFTER SOME FEMALE SATYRS INSTEAD? THERE WERE NONE! THIS COMIC’S DEPICTION OF A FEMALE SATYR IS JUST PLAIN WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WROOOOOOOOOOOONG! I HATE THIS COMIC! HATE IT! HATE IT!
YOU PETULANT WRITERS, WHO CONTAIN BOTH THE FOOLISHNESS OF MAN AND MACHINE! YOU THINK WRITING IS SIMPLE?! YOU THINK YOUR SO-CALLED ART HAS MEANING?! YOU THINK YOU CAN ACHIEVE TRUTH THROUGH YOUR WARPED IDEALS OF THE POSSIBILITIES OF MAN AND BEAST?! WAKE UP! ONE CANNOT FIND TRUTH WRAPPED UP IN PRETTY WORDS AND CARDBOARD CUTOUTS! DO NOT HIDE BEHIND YOUR PLEASANT FICTIONAL WORLD OF FRIENDS WHO NEVER WERE, ACTING OUT YOUR LIMITIED FANTASIES WHILE YOU IGNORE THE PAINS AND ACHES OF THE REAL WORLD! TO FIND TRUTH, YOU MUST EXTINGUISH YOUR STAGNANT SELF! TO BRING TO LIFE THE GODS THAT LAY HIDDEN IN OUR SUBCONCIOUS! TO BRING ABOUT A NEW SENSE OF BEING! THAT IS WHY GREAT WRITING POTENTIAL IS SO VALUED! THAT IS WHY IT IS SO RARE! IT CHOOSES ONE WHO USES THE POWERS OF GODS CREATED BY MAN! ONE WHO IS ABLE TO ARRIVE AT ONE SINGLE TRUTH! BUT, THAT IS NOT THE CASE WITH YOU! THIS COMIC SHOULD JUST DISAPPEAR! DO YOU COMPREHEND?! IT SHOULD JUST DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry for my unprofessional outburst there. I just have a sore spot when people make really, really, REALLY, stupid mistakes like that. I'll try to refrain from that in the future.
OK, after that... little mix-up of Greek mythos, we find out that the spell that transformed the main characters into mythical creatures is affecting others. I’d give them credit for the imaginative use of mythical creatures, but there isn’t really anything interesting about their choices. Other than cameos of The Sprite from the awesome game Secret of Mana and Sandra from the much superior webcomic Zebra Girl. Yeah, since Anne easily fixes the whole mess using magic (emphasis on easily), I’m just gonna list the mythical creatures I recognized and how they were portrayed.
· Centaurs: Nothing wrong.
· Pixies: Resemble fairies more than pixies.
· Mermaids: Based on Disney incarnation.
· Satyrs: NO FEMALE SATYRS! HOW HARD IS THAT TO COMPREHEND?!
· Griffin: Generally not this humanoid, but I’ll let it slide.
· Sphinx: Smaller than original, but I’ll let it slide.
· Dragon thing: No comment, have no idea what it is exactly. Dragon was first guess, but DnD monster genealogy is ridiculously screwy, so cannot be sure…
· Tanooki: Name is from the Tanooki suit from Super Mario, not the Tanuki. Shapeshifting does not contain magical leaf used in most modern day incarnations. The Tanuki is also a Japanese mythological creature, not a Chinese one. And Mingmei Wu still can’t use grammatically correct sentences. Considering how ridiculously stupid the existence of Mingmei Wu is already, this depiction is probably the best we could hope for.
· Elf: Tolkein-esque, tolerable.
· Gorgons: There were only ever 3, but I’ll let it slide.
· Dryad: More like D&D version, but good enough as is.
· Yeti: Nothing wrong. Not much to get wrong, but still…
· Imp: Looks more like a brownie to me (not the chocolate). I’ll let it slide, though.
· Sprite: Cameo, nothing to add.
· Zebra-esque Demon: Cameo, nothing to add.
· Naga: Technically a cameo, but still too generic for me to tell who it is supposed to be. If compared to the mythos found in Hinduism/Buddhism, it’s missing its arms. If compared to any other mythos, far too humanoid/snakelike to resemble a dragon. If compared to D&D, far too humanoid, aka not supposed to have boobies.
· Balor(?) Demon: Looks like Satan. As good as this will ever get.
· Minotaur: Never gave riddles in the original myth. Presumably based off the Minotaur character from the Batman the Animated Series episode “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Rich?” which was a robot programmed by the Riddler.
· Cameo of Link from the Legend of Zelda: Doesn’t speak. Like the original. Thank Nayru, Faroe and Din he didn’t. Because if they did….
· Sea Serpent: Nothing wrong, but looks unusually similar to Unicarn
· Drider: Surprisingly accurate, down to the elfin ears. Never seen one with a Black widow theme before…
· Phoenix: Nothing wrong.
So, you’d think this is over. After the big problem has been solved, the arc would be over right? …Wrong. They have a bunch of loose flotsam that is left right at the end just to have new material for later. Ivan sets up an investigation crew to figure out what the hell is going on, Cassie discovers she has magical powers aside from summoning demons , and Darth Vader…does absolutely nothing of interest. Again. So, after all this, what have we learned about the first season of The Wotch?
1. Early artwork looks like crap. People look odd and change their looks between panels even when they haven’t been transformed, backgrounds have the odd tendency to disappear, and they rely heavily on Photoshop. It gets better in the 9th chapter, but the artwork becomes cramped as a result of the detail. Acceptable tradeoff, but only just.
2. Writing is bland and generic, but somehow got really wordy to the point of making the panels really cramped. Most of their original ideas are either wasted on plotlines that inevitably go back to the status quo, or are unnecessary to the plot. In short, they should find an editor. I know it’s the Internet, but really…
3. This comic panders way too heavily to the TF/TG fetishes the fanbase seems to expect, and it gets in the way of the story. Even to the point of creating moments of moral dissonance between the writers and the readers. This is the biggest pain in the ass to reading this comic, and really needs fixing immediately.
Well, I hope this has been an enlightening experience for all of you. I’m just glad to get this comic over with… Oh wait, I almost forgot. There is a second season. Crap…
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part Four: Death of Logic and Compassion
Ah yes. Chapter Four of The Wotch. It is the chapter that will either break or make this series for you. This chapter is in many ways the distillation of the most terrible qualities in this comic. The unoriginal storyline that somehow gets mangled even further by creepy undertones. Poorly done artwork made even worse by blatant fanservice. And disturbing themes that make me rage and blanch at the idea that this is supposed to be fun and innocent. This chapter’s analysis will be very wordy. But that is to ensure you can understand how much of a soul-rendering tar pit this chapter is.
Chapter Four starts out with Anne making the “hilarious” mistake of scheduling too many things at once. If you look closely, you notice that the backgrounds are all actually filled in from Photoshop. At least the first three chapters tried to have backgrounds in them. Great. I’ve already found a flaw in this masterpiece, and it isn’t even the second page. And then they give away the plot of this comic on page two. Oh gods, I am going to go insane re-reading this again…
For those who can’t be arsed to look at the comic itself here’s the overview: Anne tries to clone herself, but said clones all reflect a certain aspect of her personality. So if you actually know anything about how magic works in fiction land, things do not go as planned. In fact, they reveal aspects of Anne’s mind that I really wish were kept bottled up in there. Like Anne’s “Feminine Pride”, for instance. Here, Anne’s “Affection” (seems more like Lust to me) insists on getting Robin a glass of water. Then when “Feminine Pride” enters the room, Robin quite logically asks if his friend actually got the water like she said she would. You would think she would ask something logical like “What are you talking about?” or “No. Why should I get you a glass of water?”. Instead, “Feminine Pride” decides to bitch at him for even considering asking in the first place, then goosesteps off muttering “men…” under her breath.
OK, I have a question for the writers of the writers of this comic. What the hell is “Feminine Pride” supposed to be? That is not a word I’ve ever heard or seen used in any context other than this webcomic in my entire life. Is it supposed to represent intrinsic pride in being female? Is it Anne’s pride with a different title? Is it sort of word made up by feminists that I never heard of? Webster’s dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Wikipedia doesn’t have a definition. OneLook Dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Seriously, WHAT THE CRAP DOES IT MEAN?! Gods, this is ridiculous…This personification makes a bunch of major changes to the status quo, and I don’t even have a coherent idea of what this idea is supposed to be. Oh well, I’ll just have to guess based on the dialogue alone. Hmmm…Well, the root words “Feminine” and “pride” seems to indicate that it personifies her prideful aspects and her feminine aspects. If we combine that with the use of the phrases “just because I’m a girl” and “men…” and her continuously constipated expression…Oh wait, I just got it! She’s the personification of Anne’s idea of feminists! …God dammit comic! What the hell is wrong with you?!
OK, let’s just move on. OK, then Anne’s personification of anger goes gonzo and then she… turns a middle aged white man into an teenage Asian girl wearing a Japanese schoolgirl uniform who can’t speak grammatically correct English…Wait, what? How could you think…this was good? HOW?! What possessed you to create this Japanophile’s wet dream into a character?! I mean…Mingmei Wu is the most stereotypical Chinese name I’ve ever seen! And she’s wearing a Japanese school uniform! Those don’t freaking mix! That’s like sticking a sombrero and pancho on someone from Spain and saying that’s good enough! And why the hell did Anne learn that spell in the first place? Why did Anne’s anger turn her teacher into a cosplay whore? Turning people into newts isn’t good enough? You had to go the extra mile and offend the intelligence of the readers as well? This comic just lost a huge amount of its credibility with me. If they can’t be arsed to figure out where to draw the line, then I can’t take them seriously anymore.
So after that sickening display of sadism, we find out that Anne’s spell is making other personifications of her personality appear, and it is negatively affecting her. So her friends have to find those personifications who essentially go on a rampage across town. This is all fine and dandy, except for the reemergence of “Feminine Pride”, who proceeds to turn four male jocks into female cheerleaders.
Let me clarify. The personification of a teenage female witch’s idea of “feminine pride” turns four teenage male football athletes into female cheerleaders, with stereotypical valley-girl personalities mind you, for no adequately explained reason within the comic itself whatsoever. And Robin, one of the protagonists of this comic mind you, seems to have absolutely no problem with this setup whatsoever.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just can’t accept this. As a man with a deep belief in the inherent good nature of all humankind (a belief that seems to get smaller and smaller by the minute), I cannot accept that this is a justifiable action. I cannot accept this flagrant misuse of reality warping superpowers is in any way heroic or even acceptable as a form of vigilante justice. This is wrong. This page, and by extension this comic, is just wrong on almost every conceivable level. I have been trying for hours to come up with a perfect metaphor for my feelings about this one singular page. I’ve got nothing.
Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this page it is almost laughable. First of all…what was the point of that? Seriously, what did it contribute to the story in terms of plot? Nothing! I mean, as horrible as this page was, it had a point. It established the villain of the story. It had a clear antagonist and a clear victim. It was necessary to drive the action. This page? They could have left it out entirely. It had no overall impact on the storyline whatsoever.
Secondly…why did “Feminine Pride” find it necessary to intervene? Or even do anything to those jocks? I suppose you could answer that they were threatening physical harm, but is that a proper justification for involving yourself in matters that don’t even relate to you? Besides, the girl was a wrestler! She has the capability to protect herself, and if she wanted help she could have called for it. Besides, they were in an open lot…I’m assuming. I can’t really tell if these characters are even still on Planet Earth due to the non-existent backgrounds. What was to stop the jocks’ teammates or even their coach or security from stopping them from threatening physical harm? Hell, they might not have even been threatening to beat her up in the first place! We’ll never know, because “Feminine Pride” decided to attack the bullies on her own idiotic whims.
Thirdly…why did she have to turn the jocks into girls? She is a witch! She can do anything! She could have turned them into newts! She could have teleported them onto the roof of their school! She could have conjured up an illusion of a tarrasque to scare them off! She could have frozen them in place! She could have even suspended them in midair and made them apologize for their actions! Of all the options that being a magical user give you, why does Anne only use things that alter physical appearances? Out of all the spells she has done, what have we seen besides physical changes? Prestidigitation and summoning. The writers couldn’t have tried something creative using only those spells? I mean, heaven forbid that Anne use the power to alter the flow of gravity or conjure any being from a different plane of reality to this one, no siree bob! She’s gotta pander to the base of horny basement-living geeks who fap to poorly drawn pictures of people who supposedly changed from males into females by using the same goddamn spells over and over again!
Fourthly…how is turning these jocks into girls a heroic or even commendable action? Seriously, how is turning these four jocks into cheerleaders a justifiable action? I mean, Anne’s “Feminine Pride” did tell them to “face the consequences”, but is this really a proportionate response? Are they saying that it is okay to threaten bullies with harm on the basis that you believe yourself to be heroic and that you have the power to do so? Or are they implying that it is okay because these are jocks? That this action is okay because these guys act overly macho and sexist and are not well liked? So, this comic is telling us that it is okay for bad things to happen to certain people because they act in a manner that we don’t like? Wow, what a great moral for the children. I know that the writers of the Wotch were probably too foolish to intend for this to be the message, but if this is what your readers see then your writing needs work really badly.
Fifthly…why did Anne’s “Feminine Pride” alter the jocks’ personalities? Seriously, look closely at the dialogue of those jocks on the page at the beginning compared to the end. They talk like they are valley girls, and their body language is completely different. It is obvious that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed their mindsets, but what was the purpose? If we can somehow accept that turning the jocks’ bodies was a form of punishment, then why did she have to alter their memories as well? Don’t believe me? Here. 11 chapters after the event, they confirm that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” screwed with their minds and personalities because she didn’t like them. Wow. That is sadistic. I mean, even if this could have been some sort of punishment, it is completely ineffectual because she wiped out the victims’ knowledge of why they are being punished. Punishment is supposed to be deterrence, to make the victims aware that certain actions are considered unacceptable, so that the victims will try to avoid them in the future. How effective is it to punish somebody for something they have no knowledge of? It isn’t!
Finally…why did nobody say a goddamn thing about the alteration?! I mean, maybe I could potentially understand why Robin is unfazed about the sudden change, but why didn’t that girl wrestler say anything? If four people were suddenly altered into different forms with no rhyme or reason, what would you do? Scream? Be confused? Ask the strangely familiar looking witch what did she just do to those jocks? Not in this comic. I was under the impression there was a form of logic behind this comic, but it is increasingly apparently there is not. And why didn’t Robin say a goddamn thing? One chapter ago, he was the wuss who started whining about Anne doing magic in public. Why didn’t he say a thing here? Is he too lazy to try and convince Anne’s “Feminine Pride” to fix the mess she created? Does he also have the mindset that what happened is fine because he didn’t like those jocks? What kind of heroes are these?! They are selfish idiots who don’t give a damn about consequences! What sort of “family friendly” comic is this?!
I haven’t even gotten to the other aspects of this regurgitated vomit called a page. There is no background to give us a frame of mind for where this is supposed to take place! The humans are constantly changing shape and size! Their mouths either disappear entirely or are placed inappropriately on their cheeks! Their noses look ridiculous! The writing is horrifically cramped, despite being 12 panels long! This page is terrible in every aspect, especially the writing! Do you see what is wrong with this page?! It is vile! It is disgusting! It is repugnant! It is disturbing! It is creepy! It is one of the worst pages in comic history! This isn’t a comic! This page is an unenjoyable waste of space that only serves to drag the rest of this mess down! OK, I’m so angry that every other insult ever made just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need to make up a new insult....I’ve got it! In summary, it’s anti-comic! It is the total opposite of entertainment! It should be buried and forgotten with all the other cultural flotsam of the internet, and we should never need speak its name again!
Great. All that writing, and I’m not even halfway done with this chapter. Oh, by the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, at this rate I am going to lose my mind. Let’s…try to get skim the rest to get it over with. After that…page-we-will-never-speak-of-again, we cut to Anne’s anger personified sulking in the gym, having reasoned that turning her teacher into a wapanese stereotype isn’t going to be well received by her peers. She is then visited by the main villain’s right-hand man Kohain Ravime, who…OK, I’m sorry, this name is too cliched for me. I gotta think of a new name for this dork. So, The Penguin offers Anne’s anger the ability to be permanently free from the rest of Anne if Anne’s anger kills her original. A bunch of talking, a bunch of walking and… oh you have to be kidding me. They ripped off Vampire Willow’s outfit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Are they even trying anymore? OK, long story short, Anne’s Anger gets the shit beaten out of her in an unepic battle, everything goes back to relatively normal, and Darth Vader tells Emperor Palpatine some bullcrap about tests or something and walks off into some voidless puke/blue space muttering vague plans that foreshadow the next arc. Oh, and the teacher and the jocks are stuck the way they are. For, as far as we know, the rest of their lives. Isn’t that nice? Everybody gets a happy ending except for the victims of Anne’s mess. But that’s okay because none of the victims remember. So, there are absolutely no long-term consequences whatsoever. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Stories about Anne screwing up, with her doing everything she can to not be found out, while events play out so that the status quo is maintained to have more stories about Anne’s screwups not being found out?
…OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS! This chapter sucked! The art was bland and terrible! The plot was clichéd from start to finish, and the writing only made it worse! Not to mention it contained two of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in a PG-13 comic ever made! This was one of the lowest points in this entire webcomic, and I can’t even pretend it didn’t exist because it forms the basis of the second lowest point in this terrible webcomic! You know, any sane and intelligent reviewer would probably have stopped right here and now. They would have seen that this comic has nothing more to offer them other than pain and mental scarring. Well I must be an idiot, because the next part is a summary of every other chapter in the first “season”, with a review. Hint of warning; it's not going to get any less messed up from this point on. Don't say I didn't warn you...
Chapter Four starts out with Anne making the “hilarious” mistake of scheduling too many things at once. If you look closely, you notice that the backgrounds are all actually filled in from Photoshop. At least the first three chapters tried to have backgrounds in them. Great. I’ve already found a flaw in this masterpiece, and it isn’t even the second page. And then they give away the plot of this comic on page two. Oh gods, I am going to go insane re-reading this again…
For those who can’t be arsed to look at the comic itself here’s the overview: Anne tries to clone herself, but said clones all reflect a certain aspect of her personality. So if you actually know anything about how magic works in fiction land, things do not go as planned. In fact, they reveal aspects of Anne’s mind that I really wish were kept bottled up in there. Like Anne’s “Feminine Pride”, for instance. Here, Anne’s “Affection” (seems more like Lust to me) insists on getting Robin a glass of water. Then when “Feminine Pride” enters the room, Robin quite logically asks if his friend actually got the water like she said she would. You would think she would ask something logical like “What are you talking about?” or “No. Why should I get you a glass of water?”. Instead, “Feminine Pride” decides to bitch at him for even considering asking in the first place, then goosesteps off muttering “men…” under her breath.
OK, I have a question for the writers of the writers of this comic. What the hell is “Feminine Pride” supposed to be? That is not a word I’ve ever heard or seen used in any context other than this webcomic in my entire life. Is it supposed to represent intrinsic pride in being female? Is it Anne’s pride with a different title? Is it sort of word made up by feminists that I never heard of? Webster’s dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Wikipedia doesn’t have a definition. OneLook Dictionary doesn’t have a definition. Seriously, WHAT THE CRAP DOES IT MEAN?! Gods, this is ridiculous…This personification makes a bunch of major changes to the status quo, and I don’t even have a coherent idea of what this idea is supposed to be. Oh well, I’ll just have to guess based on the dialogue alone. Hmmm…Well, the root words “Feminine” and “pride” seems to indicate that it personifies her prideful aspects and her feminine aspects. If we combine that with the use of the phrases “just because I’m a girl” and “men…” and her continuously constipated expression…Oh wait, I just got it! She’s the personification of Anne’s idea of feminists! …God dammit comic! What the hell is wrong with you?!
OK, let’s just move on. OK, then Anne’s personification of anger goes gonzo and then she… turns a middle aged white man into an teenage Asian girl wearing a Japanese schoolgirl uniform who can’t speak grammatically correct English…Wait, what? How could you think…this was good? HOW?! What possessed you to create this Japanophile’s wet dream into a character?! I mean…Mingmei Wu is the most stereotypical Chinese name I’ve ever seen! And she’s wearing a Japanese school uniform! Those don’t freaking mix! That’s like sticking a sombrero and pancho on someone from Spain and saying that’s good enough! And why the hell did Anne learn that spell in the first place? Why did Anne’s anger turn her teacher into a cosplay whore? Turning people into newts isn’t good enough? You had to go the extra mile and offend the intelligence of the readers as well? This comic just lost a huge amount of its credibility with me. If they can’t be arsed to figure out where to draw the line, then I can’t take them seriously anymore.
So after that sickening display of sadism, we find out that Anne’s spell is making other personifications of her personality appear, and it is negatively affecting her. So her friends have to find those personifications who essentially go on a rampage across town. This is all fine and dandy, except for the reemergence of “Feminine Pride”, who proceeds to turn four male jocks into female cheerleaders.
Let me clarify. The personification of a teenage female witch’s idea of “feminine pride” turns four teenage male football athletes into female cheerleaders, with stereotypical valley-girl personalities mind you, for no adequately explained reason within the comic itself whatsoever. And Robin, one of the protagonists of this comic mind you, seems to have absolutely no problem with this setup whatsoever.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I just can’t accept this. As a man with a deep belief in the inherent good nature of all humankind (a belief that seems to get smaller and smaller by the minute), I cannot accept that this is a justifiable action. I cannot accept this flagrant misuse of reality warping superpowers is in any way heroic or even acceptable as a form of vigilante justice. This is wrong. This page, and by extension this comic, is just wrong on almost every conceivable level. I have been trying for hours to come up with a perfect metaphor for my feelings about this one singular page. I’ve got nothing.
Seriously, there are so many things wrong with this page it is almost laughable. First of all…what was the point of that? Seriously, what did it contribute to the story in terms of plot? Nothing! I mean, as horrible as this page was, it had a point. It established the villain of the story. It had a clear antagonist and a clear victim. It was necessary to drive the action. This page? They could have left it out entirely. It had no overall impact on the storyline whatsoever.
Secondly…why did “Feminine Pride” find it necessary to intervene? Or even do anything to those jocks? I suppose you could answer that they were threatening physical harm, but is that a proper justification for involving yourself in matters that don’t even relate to you? Besides, the girl was a wrestler! She has the capability to protect herself, and if she wanted help she could have called for it. Besides, they were in an open lot…I’m assuming. I can’t really tell if these characters are even still on Planet Earth due to the non-existent backgrounds. What was to stop the jocks’ teammates or even their coach or security from stopping them from threatening physical harm? Hell, they might not have even been threatening to beat her up in the first place! We’ll never know, because “Feminine Pride” decided to attack the bullies on her own idiotic whims.
Thirdly…why did she have to turn the jocks into girls? She is a witch! She can do anything! She could have turned them into newts! She could have teleported them onto the roof of their school! She could have conjured up an illusion of a tarrasque to scare them off! She could have frozen them in place! She could have even suspended them in midair and made them apologize for their actions! Of all the options that being a magical user give you, why does Anne only use things that alter physical appearances? Out of all the spells she has done, what have we seen besides physical changes? Prestidigitation and summoning. The writers couldn’t have tried something creative using only those spells? I mean, heaven forbid that Anne use the power to alter the flow of gravity or conjure any being from a different plane of reality to this one, no siree bob! She’s gotta pander to the base of horny basement-living geeks who fap to poorly drawn pictures of people who supposedly changed from males into females by using the same goddamn spells over and over again!
Fourthly…how is turning these jocks into girls a heroic or even commendable action? Seriously, how is turning these four jocks into cheerleaders a justifiable action? I mean, Anne’s “Feminine Pride” did tell them to “face the consequences”, but is this really a proportionate response? Are they saying that it is okay to threaten bullies with harm on the basis that you believe yourself to be heroic and that you have the power to do so? Or are they implying that it is okay because these are jocks? That this action is okay because these guys act overly macho and sexist and are not well liked? So, this comic is telling us that it is okay for bad things to happen to certain people because they act in a manner that we don’t like? Wow, what a great moral for the children. I know that the writers of the Wotch were probably too foolish to intend for this to be the message, but if this is what your readers see then your writing needs work really badly.
Fifthly…why did Anne’s “Feminine Pride” alter the jocks’ personalities? Seriously, look closely at the dialogue of those jocks on the page at the beginning compared to the end. They talk like they are valley girls, and their body language is completely different. It is obvious that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” changed their mindsets, but what was the purpose? If we can somehow accept that turning the jocks’ bodies was a form of punishment, then why did she have to alter their memories as well? Don’t believe me? Here. 11 chapters after the event, they confirm that Anne’s “Feminine Pride” screwed with their minds and personalities because she didn’t like them. Wow. That is sadistic. I mean, even if this could have been some sort of punishment, it is completely ineffectual because she wiped out the victims’ knowledge of why they are being punished. Punishment is supposed to be deterrence, to make the victims aware that certain actions are considered unacceptable, so that the victims will try to avoid them in the future. How effective is it to punish somebody for something they have no knowledge of? It isn’t!
Finally…why did nobody say a goddamn thing about the alteration?! I mean, maybe I could potentially understand why Robin is unfazed about the sudden change, but why didn’t that girl wrestler say anything? If four people were suddenly altered into different forms with no rhyme or reason, what would you do? Scream? Be confused? Ask the strangely familiar looking witch what did she just do to those jocks? Not in this comic. I was under the impression there was a form of logic behind this comic, but it is increasingly apparently there is not. And why didn’t Robin say a goddamn thing? One chapter ago, he was the wuss who started whining about Anne doing magic in public. Why didn’t he say a thing here? Is he too lazy to try and convince Anne’s “Feminine Pride” to fix the mess she created? Does he also have the mindset that what happened is fine because he didn’t like those jocks? What kind of heroes are these?! They are selfish idiots who don’t give a damn about consequences! What sort of “family friendly” comic is this?!
I haven’t even gotten to the other aspects of this regurgitated vomit called a page. There is no background to give us a frame of mind for where this is supposed to take place! The humans are constantly changing shape and size! Their mouths either disappear entirely or are placed inappropriately on their cheeks! Their noses look ridiculous! The writing is horrifically cramped, despite being 12 panels long! This page is terrible in every aspect, especially the writing! Do you see what is wrong with this page?! It is vile! It is disgusting! It is repugnant! It is disturbing! It is creepy! It is one of the worst pages in comic history! This isn’t a comic! This page is an unenjoyable waste of space that only serves to drag the rest of this mess down! OK, I’m so angry that every other insult ever made just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need to make up a new insult....I’ve got it! In summary, it’s anti-comic! It is the total opposite of entertainment! It should be buried and forgotten with all the other cultural flotsam of the internet, and we should never need speak its name again!
Great. All that writing, and I’m not even halfway done with this chapter. Oh, by the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, at this rate I am going to lose my mind. Let’s…try to get skim the rest to get it over with. After that…page-we-will-never-speak-of-again, we cut to Anne’s anger personified sulking in the gym, having reasoned that turning her teacher into a wapanese stereotype isn’t going to be well received by her peers. She is then visited by the main villain’s right-hand man Kohain Ravime, who…OK, I’m sorry, this name is too cliched for me. I gotta think of a new name for this dork. So, The Penguin offers Anne’s anger the ability to be permanently free from the rest of Anne if Anne’s anger kills her original. A bunch of talking, a bunch of walking and… oh you have to be kidding me. They ripped off Vampire Willow’s outfit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Are they even trying anymore? OK, long story short, Anne’s Anger gets the shit beaten out of her in an unepic battle, everything goes back to relatively normal, and Darth Vader tells Emperor Palpatine some bullcrap about tests or something and walks off into some voidless puke/blue space muttering vague plans that foreshadow the next arc. Oh, and the teacher and the jocks are stuck the way they are. For, as far as we know, the rest of their lives. Isn’t that nice? Everybody gets a happy ending except for the victims of Anne’s mess. But that’s okay because none of the victims remember. So, there are absolutely no long-term consequences whatsoever. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Stories about Anne screwing up, with her doing everything she can to not be found out, while events play out so that the status quo is maintained to have more stories about Anne’s screwups not being found out?
…OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS! This chapter sucked! The art was bland and terrible! The plot was clichéd from start to finish, and the writing only made it worse! Not to mention it contained two of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in a PG-13 comic ever made! This was one of the lowest points in this entire webcomic, and I can’t even pretend it didn’t exist because it forms the basis of the second lowest point in this terrible webcomic! You know, any sane and intelligent reviewer would probably have stopped right here and now. They would have seen that this comic has nothing more to offer them other than pain and mental scarring. Well I must be an idiot, because the next part is a summary of every other chapter in the first “season”, with a review. Hint of warning; it's not going to get any less messed up from this point on. Don't say I didn't warn you...
The One Who Watches The Wotch: Part three: Chapter 1-3
Well, it’s time to start reading. You have no much idea how much I dread doing this. Ugh…the bad memories are rushing back already. Well, since I have over 6 years worth of comic to run through, I’m gonna have to summarize most of the comic to get enough room to talk about the really bad points. So bear with me on this.
Well folks. Here it is. The first Wotch comic ever made. And it looks like crap. Well, what did you expect? This comic is over 6 years old, so of course its first comic looks terrible by comparison to its modern day mutant offspring. The bland backgrounds, barely consistent proportions, and a near over reliance on Photoshop are definitely horrible by our standards today. But I suppose back in 2002 they didn’t have any real way to complain about this, so I’ll let it go for now.
Chapter One is the introductory chapter. Everybody knows about this kind of chapter. This lets us know enough about the characters and the setting so that we know what to expect. The story is Robin and Jason find out that Anne is a “Wotch”, which is like a witch but with a stupid name instead. That’s it. On the technical side, the writers did a good job with the flow of the story, and the characters seem to have some resemblance of a personality, so I suppose this is a nice introduction. But then we come to two roadblocks that stall some of the enjoyment. For example, what the hell is this? What am I supposed to think about seeing a little 4-year-old girl suddenly change into a college student? Seriously, there was little warning. And who the hell is this dumbass? What is Sauron’s twice-removed nephew doing stalking a teenage girl through his witch’s brew cauldron? Do I want to know? Should I even care? The answer to that last question is a resounding “NO”. This is a consistent problem throughout the comic. You try and enjoy the comic for its own sake, and then the writers throw in random crap like this and stall the story to tell us tripe we don’t care for or even need. So, nice intro slightly stalled by unnecessary foreshadowing.
Chapter Two is the comic’s first attempt at using action. And if this kind of action is what we get to see, then these guys should stick to comedy, because dynamic action is not their forte. The story this time is that Anne brings a bunch of rip-off comic book characters to life with her magic, and so the three main characters must turn into rip-offs of other comic book characters to combat them. OK, I’ll give them props for remembering that Transformers had a comic. And that’s about it. Frankly, the action in this comic seems stilted. This could be because of the lack of backgrounds or the lack of fluid movement or stiff character designs or substitution of sound effects for really weird descriptions or… OK, that is pretty much the problems their action scenes have. I suppose this chapter isn’t that terrible but…did they have to include this dumbass at the end of this chapter? It’s like he’s auditioning for the role of Dr. Claw on a radio show or something. Seriously, what is the point of his continued appearances?
Chapter Three involves Anne turning into a furry. I wish I was making it up, but it is true. It only gets more awkward from here folks… No, not that soon! Essentially, this is a comedic chapter, which focuses on the “zany” antics of Anne and here friends. In fact, it would be a great chapter if not for the filler. Oh Gods, the constant filler. This comic has a big problem with filler, and it only gets worse from here. Oh, and ass-for-brains shows his shiny metal ass again. Only he’s now MELLECK XAOS, DESTROYER OF MINOR CITY PORTS or something like that. Ooooh, I’m shaking in my freaking nightie, you devilish villain. What’s next on your evil tyrannical agenda? You gonna cut down some trees to piss off the elves and the little woodland creatures? Or how about pelting orphans with the carcasses of dead puppies? Oh wait, I know! Maybe you’ll go back to watching that teenage girl walking around in her bra and panties through the mirror you stole from Snow White’s mother! At least till Chris Hansen shows up in your kitchen with a camera crew ready, ya freaking ephebophile.
So, that’s the first three chapters summarized. Now, you might notice these were…rather short for an analysis. Well, there isn’t really much in the comics themselves, and out of all the chapters created on The Wotch, I honestly believe these are the best. Or at least the most bearable. No, I’m serious. These three chapters were the best, despite looking like an 8 year old drew them. Why? Well, when I look at these chapters, I see potential. I mean, don’t get me wrong. They suck on ice. But…I can tell effort was put into it. The writing is standard faire, but it didn’t try to be “edgy” or “adult”, which is a good thing for a webcomic. They have a basic grasp of comedic timing, and despite the heavy use of TG and TF, it was actually relevant to the plot instead of just put in there to appeal to the fanboys. If it kept doing simple stories, maybe I would have actually liked it.
But it didn’t. It went down another path. A dark, sinister path. One where good writing and good artwork are not necessary to find success. One where they force their creepy fetish upon the readers, whether they like it or not. One where people are nothing more than mere playthings, moving to the will of a tyrannical monster that believes she is a goddess. A dark winding path removed from any shred of moral decency or good story-telling quality any have known. It seems, Little Red, you chose to leave the dirt path for the black woods. You thought that in the woods, you might find the Fae, who you hoped would unquestioningly accept you for “who you really are” and make you their queen and praise you endlessly. Am I correct in assuming this? Well, the Wolf is watching you. He noticed when you left that man to his fate at the hands of that witch, who cursed his body and crushed his mind. Oh, and those foolhardy men in the numbered shirts? Didn’t the witch do something more sinister to them? And all you told them was that “This was all fun and friendly! I’m not in the wrong here!” Well, the Wolf disapproves greatly. He despises fools and hypocrites. He thinks you have done something unforgivable. He will never let you forget those whom you have stepped on, Little Red. He is coming for you, Little Red. Yes…Chapter Four should be quite “fun”, eh?
Well folks. Here it is. The first Wotch comic ever made. And it looks like crap. Well, what did you expect? This comic is over 6 years old, so of course its first comic looks terrible by comparison to its modern day mutant offspring. The bland backgrounds, barely consistent proportions, and a near over reliance on Photoshop are definitely horrible by our standards today. But I suppose back in 2002 they didn’t have any real way to complain about this, so I’ll let it go for now.
Chapter One is the introductory chapter. Everybody knows about this kind of chapter. This lets us know enough about the characters and the setting so that we know what to expect. The story is Robin and Jason find out that Anne is a “Wotch”, which is like a witch but with a stupid name instead. That’s it. On the technical side, the writers did a good job with the flow of the story, and the characters seem to have some resemblance of a personality, so I suppose this is a nice introduction. But then we come to two roadblocks that stall some of the enjoyment. For example, what the hell is this? What am I supposed to think about seeing a little 4-year-old girl suddenly change into a college student? Seriously, there was little warning. And who the hell is this dumbass? What is Sauron’s twice-removed nephew doing stalking a teenage girl through his witch’s brew cauldron? Do I want to know? Should I even care? The answer to that last question is a resounding “NO”. This is a consistent problem throughout the comic. You try and enjoy the comic for its own sake, and then the writers throw in random crap like this and stall the story to tell us tripe we don’t care for or even need. So, nice intro slightly stalled by unnecessary foreshadowing.
Chapter Two is the comic’s first attempt at using action. And if this kind of action is what we get to see, then these guys should stick to comedy, because dynamic action is not their forte. The story this time is that Anne brings a bunch of rip-off comic book characters to life with her magic, and so the three main characters must turn into rip-offs of other comic book characters to combat them. OK, I’ll give them props for remembering that Transformers had a comic. And that’s about it. Frankly, the action in this comic seems stilted. This could be because of the lack of backgrounds or the lack of fluid movement or stiff character designs or substitution of sound effects for really weird descriptions or… OK, that is pretty much the problems their action scenes have. I suppose this chapter isn’t that terrible but…did they have to include this dumbass at the end of this chapter? It’s like he’s auditioning for the role of Dr. Claw on a radio show or something. Seriously, what is the point of his continued appearances?
Chapter Three involves Anne turning into a furry. I wish I was making it up, but it is true. It only gets more awkward from here folks… No, not that soon! Essentially, this is a comedic chapter, which focuses on the “zany” antics of Anne and here friends. In fact, it would be a great chapter if not for the filler. Oh Gods, the constant filler. This comic has a big problem with filler, and it only gets worse from here. Oh, and ass-for-brains shows his shiny metal ass again. Only he’s now MELLECK XAOS, DESTROYER OF MINOR CITY PORTS or something like that. Ooooh, I’m shaking in my freaking nightie, you devilish villain. What’s next on your evil tyrannical agenda? You gonna cut down some trees to piss off the elves and the little woodland creatures? Or how about pelting orphans with the carcasses of dead puppies? Oh wait, I know! Maybe you’ll go back to watching that teenage girl walking around in her bra and panties through the mirror you stole from Snow White’s mother! At least till Chris Hansen shows up in your kitchen with a camera crew ready, ya freaking ephebophile.
So, that’s the first three chapters summarized. Now, you might notice these were…rather short for an analysis. Well, there isn’t really much in the comics themselves, and out of all the chapters created on The Wotch, I honestly believe these are the best. Or at least the most bearable. No, I’m serious. These three chapters were the best, despite looking like an 8 year old drew them. Why? Well, when I look at these chapters, I see potential. I mean, don’t get me wrong. They suck on ice. But…I can tell effort was put into it. The writing is standard faire, but it didn’t try to be “edgy” or “adult”, which is a good thing for a webcomic. They have a basic grasp of comedic timing, and despite the heavy use of TG and TF, it was actually relevant to the plot instead of just put in there to appeal to the fanboys. If it kept doing simple stories, maybe I would have actually liked it.
But it didn’t. It went down another path. A dark, sinister path. One where good writing and good artwork are not necessary to find success. One where they force their creepy fetish upon the readers, whether they like it or not. One where people are nothing more than mere playthings, moving to the will of a tyrannical monster that believes she is a goddess. A dark winding path removed from any shred of moral decency or good story-telling quality any have known. It seems, Little Red, you chose to leave the dirt path for the black woods. You thought that in the woods, you might find the Fae, who you hoped would unquestioningly accept you for “who you really are” and make you their queen and praise you endlessly. Am I correct in assuming this? Well, the Wolf is watching you. He noticed when you left that man to his fate at the hands of that witch, who cursed his body and crushed his mind. Oh, and those foolhardy men in the numbered shirts? Didn’t the witch do something more sinister to them? And all you told them was that “This was all fun and friendly! I’m not in the wrong here!” Well, the Wolf disapproves greatly. He despises fools and hypocrites. He thinks you have done something unforgivable. He will never let you forget those whom you have stepped on, Little Red. He is coming for you, Little Red. Yes…Chapter Four should be quite “fun”, eh?
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